Hope & Question

letting it go

2011-04-25T10:56:00.002-06:00

So Let Go is one of my guidelines for my 2011 Best Year Yet.

I don't know why I have such a hard time with it.

This morning as I clocked in (yes, I'm still a slave to the time clock), I was determined to inspire and be positive and work hard and do and be the right thing.

Then, I turned on my computer and saw that another entity had logged on. That group has its own office on campus. But, someone from that group signed on to my computer. AND scribbled something unintelligible on my work calendar.

And then, I went to go get my favorite mug to pour some coffee and it wasn't there. Not in any of the cabinets. Not at my desk. Nowhere in sight. It's my personal mug. One which was bought for me by one of my bosses. He brought it back from Russia for me. And it's gone. Hopefully temporarily.

But it stirs up in me the lack of love I have for working in a hallway. And using a public space that people don't respect.

And then I feel like crap because I'm supposed to be letting go. And not letting this kind of stuff get to me. And not letting this kind of stuff spoil my productivity or desire to be the best me and be positive and inspirational to those around me.

And here I sit. Looking at the flowers Shawn brought me last week (yay for a surprise of flowers just because). And I smile. And think about Jack and how he's 9 months today. And how I'm thankful that I even have a job that helps provide for my family. And family...what a great family I have. Not just blood, but by marriage, and by adoption into Christ.

And a take a deep breath and I let go and move on to finishing responding to e-mails.

the last of april

2011-04-23T21:29:00.002-06:00

The Saturday before Easter is always a tricky day for me. I'm in such spiritual turmoil thinking about how the disciples must have felt...hopeless, confused, mad, sad, shocked, lost. I'm so thankful that Saturday isn't the end of the story. And, as well, I'm so glad that this time on earth isn't the end of the story, either. It's hard for me to imagine what eternity is going to be/look like. I know there are some hints in scripture, but still, there's so much we don't know. And, I imagine that's how the disciples felt. What's next? I would've thought. But, I don't have to live in the Good Friday world. I can live in the Easter world. Choose to see the living God at work now, as eternity begins now. But it gets hard when life isn't easy. But God is good and has good for me. I need to remember that.
My life is not at all what I thought it would be at 32. But it's rich and full and good. I just need to keep that perspective. I'm trying to live fully where I am and with whom I've been entrusted to live this life with, for such a time as this.

Update on Jack: he's getting so big. He had his 9 month check-up on Tuesday, April 19. And he's in the 90th percentile in height (29 1/2 inches...48% of my height already!) and 94th percentile in weight (24.3 pounds). He's gotten the green light to transition to our foods (sans fish, peanut-based anything, citrus, strawberries and one another thing...I have it written down). That's going to be interesting...and by interesting, I mean messy. Not looking forward to that part, but I am looking forward to him being able to eat what we eat and not having to buy special separate stuff. I'm anxious to see how he'll handle textures. He also crawled for the first time (for real, not anything pseudo) on Tuesday, April 19, as well. That was so exciting! He's been pulling up and walking with our assistance, but until this week, wasn't showing much interest in crawling. So thus began phase 1 of baby-proofing. We've covered all the sockets, bought cabinet locks, and removed things from the lower shelves. Phase two will include getting cords off the floor and buying gates for the stairs. Fun fun!

Nothing's really new with work.

Church is still in transition. The month of May will be just us and two others. The guy who's been with us for two years is moving to Thailand at the end of May. We're going through Waking the Dead together for this last few weeks. After May, the one girl left besides us will be here for two weeks and then she's out of the country until the end of July. So we're not quite sure what church for us will look like this summer.

This past year I've been mentoring two seminary women. One as her Field Mentor and the other as her Spiritual Mentor. I'm just realizing it's going to come to an end by May 13. Don't know what I'll do without those relationships. Will need to try and be intentional and ask God to bring other women into my life who need a mentor. I really thrive on mentoring other women. I realize that's definitely a role God has created me for and I want to be obedient to live that out and to make myself available for women who may not have someone safe to talk with, process with and seek wisdom together.

Well, guess I just wanted to post the daily goings on so I can look back and remember with more clarity what the end of April 2011 looked like for me.

Happy Easter. He is Risen! He is Risen, indeed!

reading

2011-04-12T10:30:00.002-06:00

With reading, I go in spurts. Sometimes, all I read is my e-mail. Other times (like now), I read 4 books at once. I'm currently reading Waking the Dead, The Elegance of the Hedgehog, At Home, and Choosing to See.

Two of them have my mind reeling (At Home has some fascinating facts about salt and pepper, glass, and a myriad other details of what we take for granted at home; The Elegance of the Hedgehog is about class distinctions and community and connections). Two of them have my heart reeling (Waking the Dead is about living from a whole heart and from the idea quoted by Iraneaus that 'the glory of God is man fully alive;' Choosing to See is the autobiography of Mary Beth Chapman, wife of Steven Curtis Chapman, which includes the death of their 5 year old daughter). I'm searching my heart for places where I need Jesus' healing. And I'm searching my heart for room for adoption.

family

2011-04-09T21:11:00.003-06:00

my heart is full. Shawn's parents have been with us for the past week and a half. and we've had such a good time. it feels like they just got here. and Jack has just eaten up their attention and love. it's been so fun to see Jack blossom while they've been here. grandpa don has taken him to the park and put him in the swing for the first time and let him slide down the slide. grandma pat has helped him walk, oohed and ahhed, held him in her lap and read to him.

it's times like these i wish we were closer to shawn's family. i know we're supposed to be here. and i know they're supposed to be there. but it's hard to be far away. we're planning on going to MN in September and again in December, but that seems so far away. and Jack changes so much from week to week that it's hard to be away from them and them not be a part of the day to day.

i am so thankful for their love. i'm thankful for the way they raised Shawn. for their example of steadfastness, loyalty, compassion, encouragement and devotion.

i'm so glad for Jack to have them as grandparents and i can't wait for him to get to know them even more and love them even a portion of the love they have for him.

i sit back and watch him interact with them and my heart is full to overflowing.

it's also still surreal sometimes that Jack is ours. that Shawn and I became family and have created a family by having Jack. and that i was blessed by marrying into Shawn's family. sure they're not perfect, but certainly no family is. but i am welcomed and loved and know that Jack is, too.

already looking forward to September...

20. Really truly: Is this what I want to be doing?

2011-04-05T13:48:00.002-06:00

It's been several seconds since you asked this. Ask it again. Not to make yourself petulant or frustrated -- just to see if it's possible to choose anything, and I mean any little thing, that would make your present experience more delightful. Thus continues the revolution

So it's actually been a little over two months, not seconds, since I asked this question (and answered it here on the blog).

I'm eating as I was the first time I answered this.

But, I'm still at the job I DON'T want to be doing. But I'm still planning and trying to prepare to make changes that will get me to doing more of what I want to be doing, to becoming more who I was meant to be. Glad I did this and will have it to look back on when I actually AM doing more of what I want to be doing.

19. Are my thoughts hurting or healing?

2011-04-05T10:47:00.002-06:00

Your situation may endanger your life and limbs, but only your thoughts can endanger your happiness. Telling yourself a miserable mental story about your circumstances creates suffering. Telling yourself a more positive and grateful story, studies show, increases happiness. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, choose thoughts that knit your heart together, rather than tear it apart.

I think that I'm getting better at this. My new paradigm for this year is helping: "I'm valuable and valued. Hope does not disappoint."

Also trying to rid, 'I can't' and 'I don't want to' from my thought vocabulary.

18. So say I lived in that fabulous house in Tuscany, with untold wealth, a gorgeous, adoring mate, and a full staff of servants...then what?

2011-04-04T15:45:00.002-06:00

We can get so obsessed with acquiring fabulous lives that we forget to live. When my clients ask themselves this question, they almost always discover that their "perfect life" pastimes are already available. Sharing joy with loved ones, spending time in nature, finding inner peace, writing your novel, plotting revenge -- you can do all these things right now. Begin!

Realizing that this weekend. Love the life I have (sans the day job mostly). But I have a wonderful husband, an adorable baby (ack! I have a 8-month old...how'd that happen? I know, I know.), a supportive and all-around-great mom (who lives with us!), in-laws who reared an amazing man and who love Jack so, so much. I live in a beautiful place that has so much to offer (we went to Sonoma...a 57-mile-round-trip drive this weekend). I am fearfully and wonderfully made and loved by the Creator of the Universe. I have a purpose and a plan.

17. Where should I break the rules?

2011-04-04T15:40:00.002-06:00

If everyone kept all the rules, we'd still be practicing cherished traditions like child marriage, slavery, and public hangings. The way humans become humane is by assessing from the heart, rather than the rule book, where the justice of a situation lies. Sometimes you have to break the rules around you to keep the rules within you.

I have a hard time with this one. I'm, admittedly, a rule follower. I'm also a huge justice. A lot of rules are in place to keep justice, to keep peace, to keep people safe. But touche, I suppose, as mentioned above those things that were NOT just but were part of the 'rules.'

Assessing from the heart...exactly what I'm trying to meditate on these days. How appropriate. Really trying to meditate, also, on Scripture about my heart, about God's heart.

Trying to figure out what rules to let go of and which ones to hang on to. And not to freak out when others break the rules. Let. It. Go.

16. How can I keep myself absolutely safe?

2011-04-04T15:24:00.003-06:00

Ask this question just to remind yourself of the answer: You can't. Life is inherently uncertain. The way to cope with that reality is not to control and avoid your way into a rigid little demi-life, but to develop courage. Doing what you long to do, despite fear, will accomplish this.

I am kind of freaked out about this, not as much for myself now, but for Jack. Ack!

But remembering not to control or avoid things in order to not risk is good for me.

Courage...I'm trying to realize that I can be more courageous than I think. And I am reading Waking the Dead by Eldredge, which is having me think more about my heart and living from my heart without fear. Trying to get to the heart of things as to what I long to do, what God's created me specifically to be and to do.

15. Where could I work less and achieve more?

2011-04-04T15:20:00.002-06:00

To maximize time spent practicing your passions, minimize everything else. These days you can find machines or human helpers to assist with almost anything. Author Timothy Ferriss "batches" job tasks into his famous "four-hour workweek." My client Cindy has an e-mail ghostwriter. Another client, Angela, hired an assistant in the Philippines who flawlessly tracks her schedule and her investments. Get creative with available resources to find more time in your life and life in your time.

I don't know how to answer this. All of these 'helps' require more money. And it's kind of funny that all of these examples are people doing what I do for a living. So I don't think getting an assistant for my assisting is going to cut it. More time in my life...really trying to make it work to only work part time so that I can spend more time with Jack.

I'll try and think of other ways to find more life in my time, I guess.

14. What do I love to practice?

2011-03-29T17:02:00.002-06:00

Some psychologists believe that no one is born with any particular talent and that all skill is gained through practice. Studies have shown that masters are simply people who've practiced a skill intensely for 10,000 hours or more. That requires loving -- not liking, loving -- what you do. If you really want to excel, go where you're passionate enough to practice.

I don't know that I buy in to this. I think there are people with skill. There are also people with good attitudes and passion about that particular skill.

I don't know that I've found exactly the 'it' for me. I do appreciate helping people understand themselves better. Encouraging someone to live in the freedom of who he/she really is meant to be.

I'm thinking about going into counseling, perhaps life coaching. I dunno...

Part of it is that I'm pretty even keeled. Not alot of passion resides in me. Wonder what that says...

13. Am I the only one struggling not to {fart} during {yoga}?

2011-03-29T09:51:00.002-06:00

I felt profoundly liberated when this issue was raised on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update." Not everyone does yoga, but SNL reminded me that everyone dreads committing some sort of gaffe. Substitute your greatest shame-fear: crying at work, belching in church, throwing up on the prime minister of Japan. Then know you aren't alone. Everyone worries about such faux pas, and many have committed them (well, maybe not the throwing up on PMs). Accepting this is a bold step toward mental health and a just society.

I think I accepted this a few times in my life. In high school, I did a few things to stand out on purpose, perhaps to hide the accidental faux pas that would inevitably occur. I used to fall down on purpose in public places...the mall, the sidewalk, ice skating rinks. I also would let a friend mess my hair up and go the rest of the school day with it messed up. And, I relearned this in college when I fell asleep in history class only to be woken up by the sound of my own head hitting the desk and landing in the pile of drool that had collected. Yep, I was that girl.

Guess I have fairly decent mental health based on this, huh?

12. What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price?

2011-03-28T13:41:00.001-06:00

I once read a story about a world where people sold memories the way we can sell plasma. The protagonist was an addict who'd pawned many memories for drugs but had sworn never to sell his memory of falling in love. His addiction won. Afterward he was unaware of his loss, lacking the memory he'd sold. But for the reader, the trade-off was ghastly to contemplate. Every time you choose social acceptance over your heart's desires, or financial gain over ethics, or your comfort zone over the adventure you were born to experience, you're making a similar deal. Don't.

The one I'm most likely to succumb to is the comfort zone over adventure. I'm hoping to jump into adventure in the near future, though. Well...having Jack was definitely a jump into adventure. Goodness what a change a baby brings!

But we're hopefully going to move into San Francisco sometime soon...maybe by the end of July. God's been prompting Shawn to do this for a while now. We've just been waiting for the right timing. So we're still praying about that timing. But I'm really looking forward to the change. It'll be scary and different and hard in some regards, but I really think it will be worth it for the experience, the memories, but mostly to live out the story that God has planned for us.

11. Where am I wrong?

2011-03-28T10:21:00.002-06:00

This might well be the most powerful question on our list -- as Socrates believed, we gain our first measure of intelligence when we first admit our own ignorance. Your ego wants you to avoid noticing where you may have bad information or unworkable ideas. But you'll gain far more capability and respect by asking where you're wrong than by insisting you're right.

So I know I'm going slowly with these questions. And I thought a few times about quitting half-way and just blogging about life, but I just reread the rest of the questions, and I think it's worth finishing. I'm going to try and do one a day until I'm finished with them.

So this one is hard. Hard, I say. Goodness. Me, wrong? Just kidding. Kind of. Sometimes it's really hard for me to admit my wrongness. One of my favorite introductions to a sentence is 'In my humble, yet accurate opinion...'

But, it is good. I got put in my place just last week (well, I'm sure it's happened more recently than that, but this particular instance was hard for me to swallow and really got to me). I got haughty about not missing church. And put someone else in her place for missing church when I wasn't going to miss. But then we ended up missing church, and making everyone else miss church, too (we were meeting at our place). It stung. I haven't asked forgiveness from that person to whom I was fairly (and publicly) rude. But I have repented to God.

One way I'm realizing (again) to be 'less wrong' is to be slow to speak, slow to anger, and quick to listen.

Here's to not necessarily being less wrong, but quicker to realize my ability to be wrong and to be quiet more often.

10. What's so funny?

2011-03-10T20:30:00.002-07:00

Adults tend to put this question to children in a homicidal-sounding snarl, which is probably why as you grew up, your laughter rate dropped from 400 times a day (for toddlers) to the grown-up daily average of 15. Regain your youth by laughing at every possible situation. Then, please, tell us what's funny -- about everyday life, about human nature, even about pain and fear. We'll pay you anything.

Here's another one I think I have down fairly well. I love to laugh. And now that Jack is around, it's even easier.

Sometimes I laugh irreverently, which makes it even funnier to me. Just today, in chapel, I almost lost it. Now I can't even remember what I was laughing about, but I thought it hilarious at the time.

And a student called today and he had me laughing hard because he's paying someone to do what he's supposed to do. The way he said it just had me in stitches.

I'm not sure about finding pain and fear funny. Although, Shawn gets a kick out of scaring the crap out of me. He hides below the bed after he turns the lights out. And I know he's there, but I don't know where exactly and he jumps up and it scares me. And he thinks it's the funniest thing EVER.

9. How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?

2011-03-09T20:55:00.002-07:00

I believe this question was originally posed by Lao Tzu, who also wrote, "To become learned, each day add something. To become enlightened, each day drop something." Face it: You'd be better off without some of your relationships, many of your possessions, and most of your thoughts. Chuck your chic-chick junk, chic chick. Enlightenment awaits.

I love this question because I feel like I do this really well...with stuff anyway.

Having just helped my mom go through three generations of stuff, I feel quite enlightened! We went through tons of stuff and kept only the really meaningful stuff. I had a few boxes of my own and threw away even more stuff.

Never thought about purging some of my thoughts, though. I'm going to ruminate on that a bit in the next few days.

Having my new paradigm and my guiding principles from the Best Year Yet exercise has helped replace some negative thoughts, but I think this idea of valuing all people will be another thought to replace some negative thoughts about people I don't like.

8. What is my body telling me?

2011-03-09T16:09:00.001-07:00

As I often say, my mind is a two-bit whore -- by which I mean that my self-justifying brain, like any self-justifying brain, will happily absorb beliefs based on biases, ego gratification, magical thinking, or just plain error. The body knows better. It's a wise, capable creature. It recoils from what's bad for us, and leans into what's good. Let it.

At this specific point in time, my body is telling me I need water. So down the hall I will walk, with mug in hand, to the water fountain.

Thirst, be prepared to be quenched.

The end.

7. Are {vegans} better people?

2011-03-09T14:28:00.002-07:00

Again, it doesn't have to be vegans; the brackets are for you to fill in. Substitute the virtue squad that makes you feel worst about yourself, the one you'll never have the discipline to join, whether it's ultra-marathoners or mothers who never raise their voices. Whatever group you're asking about, the answer to this question is no.

I've been really trying to work on not comparing myself, especially since Jack's been around.

But even more so most recently, I just got back from South Carolina. My mom thinks I hate the South. It's not true. For whatever reason, I knew by age 12 that I wouldn't live there forever. And that's not 'normal.' Especially in small Southern towns, people stick around. And they live next door to their other family members. And they get married right out of high school. And they have children right after that.

So I'm thinking about how I present where I'm from, how I took away the chance of spending more time with my family, how much my grandparents would have loved Jack. How I'm so who I am because of both of them.

And how it goes both ways: that I'm not better than others and others aren't better than I. We're all different. And God made it that way, I think, on purpose.

I want to be someone who values all people.

Best Year Yet, Month One

2011-03-01T13:53:00.002-07:00

So I realized I said I'd give a monthly update on my 10 goals for the year.

Here goes:

I have one new recipe under my belt (it was chicken pesto and a different kind of salad, BUT I also made bacon chocolate chip cookies).

Shawn and I haven't done so great at reading Scripture together. We may have done two weeks of the goal so far.

Loving reading the Bible stories with Jack before bedtime. I'm on par with this goal.

I've sung 15 or so hymns to Jack so far, so I'm a little behind.

No e-mails to friends, yet.

The praying for my supervisor and a friend are going well because I've written it down on my calendar at work.

I had a meeting with the pres. about the group for work. He's thinking on it.

Haven't done anything towards the goal of sharing the redemption story. Boo.

Still working on memorizing Psalm 25:5.

Have definitely been meditating on persevering, letting go and trusting. Have had to remind myself about my value and that Hope doesn't disappoint.

Can't believe it's March 1.

6. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?

2011-03-01T12:21:00.002-07:00

In small ways or large, your life will change the world -- and in small ways or large, the world will change you. What experiences do you want to have during your brief sojourn here? Make a list. Make a vision board. Make a promise. This won't control your future, but it will shape it.

I want to visit a country in Africa with my family. I want that to make me different by coming into contact with more of God's creation and realizing how much more this world is than my little corner.

I want to learn from the homeless about true humility, simplicity in living, and caring for others in a real way.

I want to be more child-like in my curiosity and my love for others by hanging out with Jack more.

Getting Back Into It

2011-03-01T12:15:00.004-07:00

Back to where I left off with the 20 questions:

5. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?

Your existence is already a factor in world history -- now, what sort of factor do you want it to be? Maybe you know you're here to create worldwide prosperity, a beautiful family, or one really excellent bagel. If your impressions are more vague, keep asking this question. Eventually you'll glimpse clearer outlines of your destiny. Live by design, not by accident.

I want the world to be filled with a little more laughter, with a little more encouragement, a little more hope. More specifically, my laughter, my encouragement and my brand of hope. Which, to say, is my take on God's hope. Since He's a God of hope, and He's Creator, it's really His that has been infused in me and it comes out Loren-colored. But it's hope all the same, or I'd like to think so, anyway.

And the world is different because of my bringing Jack into the world. That still blows my mind daily. But it's kind of cool, too.

My mom just wrote about how people are forgotten after two generations. But I like to think they're not because they've passed on who they are to others. I am who I am because of my grandmother, my mother, my dad, my sister, and a good number of friends and other influencers I wouldn't necessarily call friends.

I need to steer in the direction of making the world different by fighting for just causes and for justice itself for things that matter. That's my next big to-do...

4. Why do I like {cupcakes} more than I like {people}?

2011-01-31T15:56:00.001-07:00

Feel free to switch out the words in brackets: You may like TV more than exercise, or bad boys more than nice guys, or burglary more than reading. Whatever the particulars, every woman has something she likes more than the somethings she's supposed to like. But forcing "virtues" -- trying to like people more than cupcakes -- drives us to vices that offer false freedom from oppression. Stop trying to like the things you don't like, and many vices will disappear on their own.

I've been ruminating on this one for days. Ice cream is the first fill in the blank. I suppose doing chores may be the second fill in the blank these days. I don't know about the logic in this one. I can't imaigine if I stop liking chores they'll get done on their own. I'm kind of confused by this. I know exactly why I like ice cream more than chores. Cause ice cream is yummy and happy and chores are tiring and dirty. Even though dirty turns into clean eventually. Ok, I'm going to stop here while I'm ahead. I feel like I'm totally missing the point. Oh well...on to the next question.

3. Why worry?

2011-01-28T12:03:00.002-07:00

3. Why worry?

These two words, considered sincerely, can radically reconfigure the landscape of your mind. Worry rarely leads to positive action; it's just painful, useless fear about hypothetical events, which scuttles happiness rather than ensuring it. Some psychologists say that by focusing on gratitude, we can shut down the part of the brain that worries. It actually works!

This question makes me think of (cliche, I know) Matthew 6:
Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So easy to say, so not so easy to think or live out.

I like the idea of replacing gratitude with worry.

Today, I am grateful for the following (in no particular order):

--a currently flexible-while-I'm-at-work job. While I have to be here from around 8 until around 4:30, I can get stuff done on my own terms for the most part. I'm thankful for that.

--Jack. I can't even handle him! He's such a cutie right now. He laughs alot (wonder where he gets that?). He eats like it's his job. He's rolling over both ways. He's starting to sit on his own. He smiles when we come to get him in the morning. Love, love, love him.

--Shawn. I know I gush about him often, but goodness God has blessed me so. He's thoughtful and kind and patience and responsible and wise and follows hard after God.

--the ocean. I love the ocean. Just something about it puts me in my place and reminds me God is in control and His timing is perfect.

I'll keep it at that list of four for now.

2. Is this what I want to be doing?

2011-01-27T10:38:00.002-07:00

Continuing on with the 20 questions (link to article in title of this post), the next question is posed this way:

2. Is this what I want to be doing?
This very moment is, always, the only moment in which you can make changes. Knowing which changes are best for you comes, always, from assessing what you feel. Ask yourself many times every day if you like what you're doing. If the answer is no, start noticing what you'd prefer. Thus begins the revolution.
So in this exact moment, the answer to that question is 'sure.' Just chatted with a friend and am drinking hot chocolate and eating a bagel (I'm at work). The work part is the part that I DON'T want to be doing.

I know what I want to be doing. I don't know how to get there.

I'd prefer to spend part of my day with Jack. I'd prefer to coach college students (or older) into being the best them they can be. To help them discover their strengths and how they can utilize those strengths in every aspect of their lives.

I'm just waiting for a start up company to actually start. I'm already listed (and trained) as a coach for this company. We just don't have any clients yet.

So I try to fill my days with things that bring meaning and help others. I mentor two women who are in grad school. I plan lunch dates with people I like to be around.

Lists help. I should keep this question in the back of my mind and write down things that come up...

Question(s)

2011-01-26T12:39:00.003-07:00

As the title of this blog is both hope and question, I figured since I'd talked about hope most recently, I'll talk about Question(s) next. Why not? See, there's one now!

I came upon this article about questions that could change my life. I LOVE that it says, 'could.' Not will, but could. So maybe, maybe not. But I figure, why not try? See, there's question #2 before I even get to the 20 in the article.

So here goes. I figure I'll get 20 days of blogging worth out of these 20 questions. If you're lucky.

The first one is (drum roll, please):
1. What questions should I be asking myself?

The thing I find fascinating about this is that they give me 19 other questions that will supposedly could change my life. So why would I come up with ones of my own when I've got 19 others eagerly waiting to help could change my life. I mean, do I look stupid? Maybe that's one of the questions I should be asking myself! Ha! And to answer, most days I don't look stupid. I try and dress fairly smart.

The only other question I can think of at the moment to ask myself is 'what would you do for a klondike bar?' And my answer to that is: spend the money to buy a box and eat two in one sitting.

Can't wait for the next 19...

best year yet

2011-01-24T12:00:00.004-07:00

my mom introduced me to a series of worksheets to come up with goals and a new paradigm to have the best year yet. in hopes of achieving these goals, and holding on to my new paradigm, i wanted to share those with whoever out there (still) reads this thing.

My Guidelines for 2011
1. Let go
2. Persevere
3. Trust

My New Paradigm for 2011
I am valuable and valued. Hope does not disappoint.

My Top Ten Goals for 2011 (in no particular order):

1. Try at least 4 new recipes for dinner
2. Read Scripture with Shawn 3 days a week.
3. Read Bible stories with Jack before bedtime 3 nights a week.
4. Sing 250 hymns to Jack.
5. Write four involved e-mails to three long-distance friends.
6. Pray once a week for a specific friend God's put on my heart.
7. Suggest restarting a group at work and spearhead that if allowed.
8. Pray for my supervisor(s) once a week.
9. Share the redemption story of Jesus with at least one non-believer (this may seem like a low goal, but for me it's a really big one).
10. Memorize 4 verses dealing with hope (the verses I've chosen are Psalm 25:5; Psalm 62:5; Isaiah 49:23b; Romans 15:13; and if I get really motivated Romans 5:1-11).

I'll check in once a month to let you know how I'm doing.

This morning I'm meditating on my new paradigm (I'm valuable and valued. Hope does not disappoint and on Psalm 25:5 'Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long) in light of a frustrating turn of events.

a sign and a confession

2011-01-19T11:41:00.004-07:00

my coworker and i just cleared our throats at the same exact time. is it a sign?

at church on Sunday Shawn facilitated confession as a way to hope. confession of our cynicism as a sin, specifically. i had to confess another instance of cynicism to Shawn last night: I'm cynical about my Dad. Which has a ripple effect in to other parts of my life, for certain. He didn't call me on my birthday. Some years he forgets. The past few years, he's 'remembered' that my birthday is January 19. so maybe he'll call today? it's not a huge thing, but with him, it's all the little things AND the big things that makes it hard.

we were challenged to not put our hope in people or in circumstances, but in God. For God is faithful. And hoping in Him does not disappoint. May it be so...

in other news, i'm having lunch with someone to get more information about a possible opportunity. praying for wisdom to know what choice to make.

the results

2011-01-18T15:32:00.002-07:00

So I thought I'd post how last week turned out. Short answer FABULOUS!

Monday: Auburn won! The game was a little too close, but that's pretty much how the whole season was for me. I'm happy we're National Champs!

Tuesday: dinner with the friend was awesome because he's been under the weather for months now and is seemingly getting way better!

Wednesday: mom made talapia that was so yummy!

Thursday: GIRLS night was so fun. Pizza and crafts (I didn't do the crafts part; just watched).

Friday: Shawn not only took me to dinner, but surprised me by taking me to the Legion of Honor. We walked to the spot where he first told me he loved me (September 16, 2006) and told me he still loved me. Then we went and looked at the general exhibit (when we went in 2006, we went to the Monet exhibit only). Then we got eclaires from a Russian bakery on Geary. Then we headed to the Marina, shopped a bit and then had dinner at Isa. Delish! We did a bit of window shopping and then headed home. Such a great birthday!

Saturday: Chick-fil-a was as yummy as I had been imagining all week. Then spontaneously we saw The King's Speech at the nearby theater. SUCH a good movie. Colin Firth totally melts my butter! I was so impressed with the story, the acting, everything!

Yay for an excellent birthday week...

a big week

2011-01-10T10:22:00.003-07:00

so, here's what's on my agenda for this week:

Monday: THE GAME. Auburn plays Oregon for the BCS Championship.

Tuesday: dinner with a dear friend

Wednesday: family dinner

Thursday: GIRLs night (Pam and Katie are going to help make curtains for Jack's room)

Friday: I turn 32. I always take the day off from work. And Shawn is taking me to dinner.

Saturday: I decided I wanted to go to Chick-fil-a with some of my girlfriends to celebrate my birthday. It's a 45 minute drive. Road trip!

All in all, it should be a fabulous week (especially if Auburn wins like I think they're going to do).

2011

2011-01-07T11:44:00.003-07:00

Ok, so I've made it through the December posts. I didn't do it exactly how it was planned for, but it's done. And I feel good about it.

I'm thinking of ways to continue blogging in January and beyond that will be purposeful.

I pursued an opportunity this week that didn't turn out. That bummed me out, but I'm thankful for the job I have and how God provides through that.

I've also missed Jack alot this week. Being off for almost two weeks spoiled me.

He's getting so big and he's such a happy baby and I hate that I'm missing that. It makes it bearable only because Shawn and my mom are with him.

I'm gearing up for turning 32. It's going to be low key this year. 32 seems like such a weird age. But it'll be ok.

Here's to another year...

December 31 – Core Story

2011-01-07T11:42:00.002-07:00

What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

(Author: Molly O’Neill)

Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior. He came so that all may live, be free. Redemption and Reconciliation are made possible because of, and through, him.
Sharing it...good question. I haven't done much of that lately. I've been mulling that over lately and asking for opportunities to do so in relevant and meaningful ways.
Hopefully I'll have stories about that throughout 2011...

December 30 – Gift

2011-01-07T11:38:00.001-07:00

Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

(Author: Holly Root)

Ok, again, not counting Jack, I would have to go with the eternity ring of my grandmother's that Shawn gave me. I've already shared about it (and the poem he wrote to go along with it).

Also, the two parties I've already mentioned were extremely meaningful gifts to me.

2010 was definitely a blessed year for me...

December 29 – Defining Moment

2011-01-07T11:36:00.001-07:00

Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

(Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice)

At this point, I kind of feel like a broken record, but if you've been reading my December posts, you may guess that my defining moment that affected my life this year (way more than I could have ever imagined) is giving birth to Jack. Whew...still is defining me, really. I'm a mom. That's so surreal.

December 28 – Achieve

2011-01-07T11:31:00.002-07:00

What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

(Author: Tara Sophia Mohr)

This is a hard question for me. I actually have a list in my head that I'm scared to put on paper or tell anyone.

I think the one I feel ok about sharing is patience while driving.

I think I'll feel better about myself and less stressed.

10 things I can do/think to expereince that feeling today:

1. breathe
2. smile
3. get my three must-dos done today at work
4. breathe some more (long, deep, intentional inhales and exhales)
5. not so new thought, but something that will help me get to the feeling: everything is going ot be alright
6. another not so new, but helpful, thought: LET GO
7. drink more water
8. remember Whose I am
9. think about Jack's smile and laughter
10. take a walk

December 27 – Ordinary Joy

2011-01-07T11:20:00.002-07:00

Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

(Author: Brené Brown)

I'm going to put aside any joy related to Jack because to me that falls under the 'extraordinary' joy category. With that said, major cheese alert for the text ahead.

There were countless times of ordinary joy when I held Shawn's hand as we walked down a sidewalk. If I stop and think about it for any length of time, I am overwhelmed with the ordinary joy of getting to live life with Shawn. Sure he has his flaws, his 'moments,' but I just love him because he's such a great man...so thoughtful, so smart, so funny, so caring. I just can't get enough of him and that fills my heart with joy. That he's mine and I'm his.

December 26 – Soul Food

2011-01-03T14:16:00.003-07:00

What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

(Author: Elise Marie Collins)

What a good question! I think it was the salmon, followed by les profiteroles with rasberry gelato, at Left Bank. Oh my word was it scrumptious. And it was our first real "date" after Jack was born. It felt almost scandalous going out!

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself

2011-01-03T14:12:00.003-07:00

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

(Author: Tracey Clark)

This photo is two weeks after Jack was born. Shannon Cunningham came to our house to shoot newborn photos. I am so very glad we had her come! I was so happy (out of it, really, but happy). I like it because it shows the love I have for Shawn and the joy I have for Jack in our lives.

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK

2011-01-02T17:20:00.002-07:00

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK

What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

(Author: Kate Inglis)

Adjusting to motherhood has not been the easiest thing for me. Adjusting to parenthood has not been the easiest thing for our relationship.

Shawn gave me my grandmother's eternity ring. With it, he wrote this poem:

Eternity

Love becomes eternal through
renewal and choice
giving strength to sustain
just as your grandmother
received this ring
so now you
continue the legacy
of love in marriage
as we grow through trials
a new stone is added
to the many already
bound in this life
signified by this
eternal ring
remembering the strength
that has brought us here
and much more to add
with no boundary to contain
the joy we have

It meant so much to me to hear those words. His voice and the meaning behind the words told me everything was going to be alright.

I think reading this occasionally and remembering it's a choice is going to help.

December 23 – New Name

2010-12-28T13:52:00.002-07:00

Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

Oh, I love this question. I do this at Starbucks when they ask for the name to put on the cup. They always spell my name wrong, so I like to mix it up.

Usually I go with Claire. I like it for a couple of reasons. One is that it's the name I chose for French class in 7th grade. I like to pretend I'm all French and would love to end up there one day, so it helps me get on my way to that dream. Two is that it's one syllable and it sounds chic.

I think Claire Latourelle works, don't you?

December 22 – Travel

2010-12-28T13:47:00.002-07:00

How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

So I'm a little behind on this daily December blogging due to travel (ironic, huh, due to the title post?)

We're in Minnesota visiting Shawn's family and it's Jack's first Christmas. Besides a little cold, Jack's had a blast. We have had a great time, too. My mom came for a few days for which we're all thankful. Shawn's folks are enjoying every minute of Jack. Granpa Don is a pro at feeding Jack carrots and peas. I'm thankful for that because Jack doesn't seem to like it when I try to do the same.

2010 was a little low on the travel, but the best trip was our baby moon to San Diego. We were just telling Shawn's brother and sister-in-law about it yesterday. The weather was great. The people were friendly. Coronado was beautiful. So much to do, so much fun. We saw a Padres game, we went swimming a couple of times, we went to the famous zoo that is definitely all it's cracked up to be.

The only other trip I took was to South Carolina to be a part of a women's retreat my mom cohosted. It was nice and relaxing. I'm glad I went. It was for my birthday celebration.

Next year, I doubt we'll travel tons with Jack, but I hope the one trip we make is back to Minnesota. Next year Shawn turns 40 and I want to celebrate by taking him to a live show of Prairie Home Companion. I really hope it works out.

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance.

2010-12-21T16:19:00.002-07:00

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

(Author: Jake Nickell)

Very specifically, I should've called my dad on Thanksgiving.

I will call him on Christmas. And I need to send him some more pictures of Jack.

But with Jack's arrival, my heart is back in heavy-land towards my dad. I'm unsure of how to handle Jack's relationship with my dad and I'm scared of Jack not knowing him, but knowing him too much. Very tricky.

December 19 – Healing.

2010-12-21T16:17:00.002-07:00

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

(Author: Leonie Allan)

Pam healed me this year. Well...she helped. I had a bowel impaction. I won't go into the details, but I thought I was going to die. I'm glad I didn't. Whew...the eventual 'healing' was pretty sudden, but it was definitely a process up to that point.

Next year, I'd like my back pain to be healed. I have a plan in place, but have to wait for the right timing. I'm hopeful...

December 18 – Try.

2010-12-21T16:14:00.001-07:00

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

(Author: Kaileen Elise)

I want to try and document Jack's life in pictures more. I had some hopes for that this year, but also gave myself slack for all the adjustments that came with Jack.

I think I also want to try new recipes. I just tried a lamb dish the other night and it turned out way better than I imagined. I have collected quite a few recipes (and have all of my grandmother's recipes). I'd like to step out on that limb next year.

December 17 – Lesson Learned.

2010-12-21T16:09:00.002-07:00

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

(Author: Tara Weaver)

It's taken me five days to come up with an answer that I could be happy sharing.

Thanks to my friend Marlee for the help in processing.

I've learned that I am a perseverer. Having a baby is the hardest thing I've ever done. And living with a baby is such a tricky thing. It's full of inconsistencies and unmet expectations, both of which I already knew I had a hard time dealing with. But I'm taking it a day at a time, and living in the moment and trying to be the best me with Jack. I'm not ever going to win 'Best Mom of the Year' award. But, I hope Jack will always know that I'm with him and for him and have chosen on a daily basis to love, comfort, and take care of him.

As for applying it, I will continue to persevere in this unknown territory that is motherhood. I won't give up. I will remain loyal and present and be all of me to Jack and to Shawn.

December 16 – Friendship

2010-12-17T10:47:00.002-07:00

How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

(Author: Martha Mihalick)

I think I could spend days upon days mentioning friends who've changed me. I think that if we're not changed by those we spend life with, then we're missing the whole point to friends, to our community. But two come to mind, so I'll share those.

My friend Taryn, who is now on the other side of the country for me continually shares her perspective and experiences that changes me for the better. Her love, her frankness, her compassion, her joy...all of that makes me open my eyes to the beauty around me, to the opportunities to be light and love to all around me.

My friend Kelly as been keeping me accountable about Letting Go. She's helped me slowly remember boundaries and keep them here at work. It's been a gradual thing, but it's really improved my emotional well being. I'm really thankful for that perspective.

December 15 – 5 Minutes

2010-12-15T10:20:00.002-07:00

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

(Author: Patti Digh)

Some of these will be a repeat of previous December posts, so bear with me.

I'm going to try and go in order, so I don't leave things out.

My birthday party that had its own theme and logo and where I told the girls I was pregnant by having Toni say "say Loren's pregnant!"

The whole being pregnant thing. I really did have a great pregnancy.

Yoga. I couldn't have managed my pregnancy as well as I did, I don't think, without yoga. By the end (I went to yoga the Thursday before I gave birth on Sunday), I had a stack of blankets and pillows to prop myself up. It was hilarious, but oh so helpful.

San Diego! Oh my gosh. Such a great 'baby moon'/anniversary trip. Shawn and I went, took public transportation, stumbled upon a Chick-fil-a, went to a Padres game, fell in love with Coronodo. So glad we went. For weeks after, I would wake up and ask Shawn if we could go back to San Diego that day.

My baby shower. Gorgeous. Perfect. Celebratory.

Jack's birth. Jack's life. His smiles, his laugh, his rolling over. His sleep...the grunts and smiles during his sleep. How he adores Shawn and can't take his eyes off him when they're in the same room. His first Halloween, first Thanksgiving...

My mom moving in with us. How thankful I am. How fun and helpful and great it is.

Paige coming to visit and meet Jack for the first time. How fun and helfpul and great that was.

Shawn's parents coming. Their love and care and help.

Ok, times up...whew...

December 14 – Appreciate

2010-12-14T08:50:00.002-07:00

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

(Author: Victoria Klein)

One thing: time. I realized how precious life is and how precious the time I have been given on this earth is and have really wanted to make the most of my time with the people I love.

And speaking of people I love, I really wanted to change the prompt and make it on person and that would have to be Shawn. He rocked being a husband to a pregnant lady and has rocked even more being a husband and a Dad, while juggling all of life's other demands. I'm so grateful for his love and presence in my life. So glad I get to do life with him and that he's my family.

December 13 – Action

2010-12-13T14:30:00.003-07:00

When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

(Author: Scott Belsky)

Next steps are overrated, aren't they?

My current 'next step' is to wait. I'm waiting on a start-up that I'm a part of to launch. So far, nothing doing.

It sounds like a cop out, so I'm actually actively seeking other opportunities. The latest 'next step' is to find out more information about an opportunity of which I was just made aware.

As far as my list of 8 (that is supposed to be 11), I haven't gotten that far...

December 12 – Body Integration

2010-12-13T14:29:00.002-07:00

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

(Author: Patrick Reynolds)

I have no earthly idea what this even means. And I don't really want to know.

And I can't really think of another question to answer, so we'll just skip this one...

December 12 – Body Integration

2010-12-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

December 11 – 11 Things

2010-12-13T14:20:00.002-07:00

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

(Author: Sam Davidson)

Oh my gosh. This is a hard question!

Here's my attempt at this list, in no particular order:

1. nail biting (eliminating...have been working on this for quite some time. don't really have an answer besides thoughtful determination).

2. road rage (elminating...starting by breathing more when I drive. seriously...inhale, exhale)

3. foul language (see elimination strategy for #1)

4. soda (I didn't even want to type this one. elminating...trying to drink more water in effort to make the soda intake more minimal)

5. reality tv (eliminating...not turning on the computer as often when I'm at home; not watching the first episode)

6. blogs (elminating...thinking about eliminating that just for Lent)

7. feelings of inadequacy (especially when it comes to Jack. eliminating...no clue)

8. a job I don't like (eliminating...see December 10 post)

ok, that's as far as I can get for now. if I think of 3 more, I'll edit this post.

As far as how these things will change my life, I'd be less stressed, lighter weight (mentally and physically), and Shawn would be thrilled.

December 10 – Wisdom

2010-12-13T14:17:00.002-07:00

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

(Author: Susannah Conway)

I think the wisest decision I made this year was to share with Shawn the random idea that flew into my head one day in June (maybe even July). I thought, 'we'll have an extra room, we're staying in this place for a while, why not ask my mom to move in with us?' She was already planning on moving out to the Bay Area, but was waiting for the right time (namely, having the house sold). But the day after we offered for her to move in with us, she was trying to quit her job.

It's played out in the most amazing way. She lives with us! She helps watch Jack. We get to hang out and chat and eat dinners together. And she and Shawn get along famously, as well. I love it.

I'm faced with another decision that'll effect things quite a bit that I'm praying God gives me wisdom about as well. Here's hoping...

December 9 – Party Prompt

2010-12-09T09:46:00.006-07:00

Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

I have been truly blessed this year in the party arena. TWO of the best parties in the world were thrown for me this year.

The first was my birthday party.

My friend, Toni, threw an outrageously awesome party for me. Complete with my own logo, magnets with my favorite words on them, and party favors any girl would want. It was all in green (my favorite color), the girls who attended were asked to wear green, we played one of my favorite games (Taboo), had my favorite foods (sour cream and onion pringles, delicious petite fors from Woodland market) and drinks (Dr. Pepper and Sweet Tea). I was surrounded by some of my favorite people (even Nikaley from France and April from Africa made an appearance...both being home for just a few months). To top it all off, I decided that I wanted to share with all of them at the same time that I was pregnant. So I read up on different ways to share. I decided to have Toni take a picture of all of us. The first take she said the usual, 'Say cheese!' The 2nd take she said, 'Say "Loren's pregnant!"' It was priceless. Crickets could be heard. It took a second for it to sink in. Then everyone freaked out. It was great!

The second was my baby shower.

Oh goodness. I can't say enough about Pam, Toni, Katie and Marian! These ladies went all out for me and Jack. I felt so incredibly special. My mom was able to be a part of the celebration, as well. The decorations were awesome. The food (can you see a theme?) was to die for. Karen Robinson made her scrumptious blueberry scones. They bought more petite fors from Woodland Market. The favors this time (Toni again) had Jack's life verse (Job 10:12) on them, were mini chinese-take-out style boxes with homemade cookies inside. Pam went all out...including beautiful table linens. Pam also put together a perfect scrapbook of the day that I'll cherish forever. I felt so supported and loved.

December 8 – Beautifully Different.

2010-12-08T14:09:00.002-07:00

Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

(Author: Karen Walrond)

One of the things that makes me different is my laugh. And I think it definitely would qualify as 'lights people up.' I have actually tried to change my laugh in the past, but now I just embrace it. Some people claim to be able to hear my laugh from the other side of a school campus. Others have been infuriated by it (my most favorite memory is of a Russian librarian accusing me of making her work environment impossible).

I really do love to laugh. Whether at jokes, at irony, or even silly things people do. I have a pretty dry wit and sarcasm really does it for me, too.

It's hard for me to think of other things at the moment, especially since it's not only something different, but something different that lights people up.

If I take away the lights people up part, a few other things come to mind:

my height (although I don't really notice or feel short unless I'm standing close to someone over 6 feet).

my frankness (I have a knack for being disarmingly honest...my honesty paves the way for others honesty)

i have a widow's peak

i count most of my steps

will continue to ponder what makes me different. if anyone is reading this, please feel free to add your two cents.

December 7 – Community

2010-12-07T10:38:00.003-07:00

Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

(Author: Cali Harris)

Are these people reading my diary that doesn't really exist?!

This is a loaded question for me. One that brings mixed emotions.

The good: I'm a part of a house church. We meet in our homes. It's truly a community. My husband and I have walked with people through some pretty intense stuff. This year, especially, I've appreciated having this community during pregnancy, as well as with Jack's birth. Those people gathered round us, brought meals to us the first few weeks, and contineu to walk with us as we navigate this unchartered territory.

The not so good: My husband and I, before we got married, both felt led to live in community with other people. We set goals, both big and small, for what we wanted to achieve by living with others. After we got married, we decided to hold off on living in community for the first year of our marriage. A year and a half into our marriage, we invited a guy to live with us. So began our community living adventure. July 2009, we moved into a three bedroom townhouse. The guy who'd been living with us for 6 months decided to move with us, and another guy moved in as well. The first guy (we'll just call him A), moved out early to get married. The second guy (we'll call him B), moved out the end of September. He moved out mainly because of Jack. When he first signed the lease we made him well aware that we hoped to have a baby within the next year and he seemed totally fine with that idea. Oh well.
Nothing really went as we expected or hoped. All we asked was to share a meal together once a week, and pray together once a week. We were amazed at how hard that was to accomplish. Guy B was better at it than not, although right after we shared with him that I was pregnant, he began to distance himself. Also, around that same time, he stopped paying rent. Awesome. He kept saying he would pay us, and he never did. He still owes us to this day. He's since moved back home with his parents, and it's doubtful we'll ever see the rest of the money he owes us (even though he told us he'd pay us...gotta love integrity).

The silver lining: B moving out made room for my mom to move in! And for that we're very truly thankful. It all happened so fast, but we asked her, she said yes and picked up from South Carolina to live in community with us. We eat dinner together at least once a week. We watch movies together. We laugh together. She gets to vent, I get to vent. She and Shawn get along swimmingly. AND she helps us watch Jack. She adores Jack, of course. Which is so great for us and so great for him!

I'm not sure what community living will look like in the future now that Jack is in the picture, but I'm trying not to close the door on it altogether. I'm thankful that my mom lives with us and am grateful to continue to nurture and grow in my relationship with her. That's my 2011 community goal.

I think life is meant to be lived intentionally with others. Even in the mess, in the pain and hurt, the good times and the bad. We are not meant to live isolated lives. I seek out community for accountability, fellowship, and encouragement.

December 6 – Make.

2010-12-06T14:48:00.002-07:00

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

(Author: Gretchen Rubin)

At the risk of being way cheesy, I choose to share that the last thing I made was a joyful noise to the Lord. We went to a Bach Choir Christmas concert on Sunday. The last song everyone sang together: 'O Come, All Ye Faithful.' It was beautiful.

I dodged a 'normal' answer to this question because I'm not a crafty type person. I love looking at DIY ideas, but when it comes down to the doing, I'd rather just buy something and call it a day.

I can't even think of something I want to make...

December 5 – Let Go.

2010-12-06T10:32:00.003-07:00

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

(Author: Alice Bradley)

Oh my word. This has been my mantra at work for the past 6 months or so.

My work situation is interesting at best. Tricky at least.

I have an overwhelming sense of responsibility and justice. But being in a job with no authority, little respect, and lots of inconsistency, I've had to let go of any expectations of right or good to happen. It seems if I even try to excel or go above and beyond, I get punished or held back. So I've had to let go of alot in regards to expectations and fulfillment at work.

It isn't easy, but it has been a bit freeing. I get my work done, but nothing above and beyond. Which is a little sad to me, at times, but I've learned that it won't do any good or get me anywhere.

I struggle to maintain integrity, but think I've found the balance.

I'm not sure how long I'll have to stay here. But God has provided a source of income, a job with excellent benefits, and a place where I have friends who can encourage and support me along the way.

In fact, I just came across this entry from the book The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
December 4:
"How much do we need to let go of?" a friend asked one day.
"I'm not certain," I replied, "but maybe everything."
Letting go is a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical process, a sometimes mysterious metaphysical process of releasing to God…that which we are clinging to so tightly.
We let go of our grasp on people, outcomes, ideas, feelings, wants needs, desires—everything. We let go of trying to control our progress in recovery. Yes, it’s important to acknowledge and accept what we want and what we want to happen. But it’s equally important to follow through by letting go.
Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God…permission to send us what we’re meant to have.
Letting go means we acknowledge that hanging on so tightly isn’t helping to solve the problem, change the person, or get the outcomes we desire. It isn’t helping us. In fact, we learn that hanging on often blocks us from getting what we want and need.
Who are we to say that things aren’t happening exactly as they need to happen?
There is magic in letting go. Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn’t happen. Something better does.
Letting go sets us free and connects us to our Source.
Letting go creates the optimum environment for the best possible outcomes and solutions.

Today I will relax. I will let go of that which is upsetting me the most. I will trust that by letting go, I have started the wheels in motion for things to work out in the best possible way.

December 4 – Wonder.

2010-12-06T10:26:00.002-07:00

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

(Author: Jeffrey Davis)

So, I was pregnant for half of 2010, and have been figuring out this 'how-to-be-myself-but-be-a-mom-too' thing since then.

While pregnant, I really did marvel and awe at God's creativity and his sovreignty. I was filled with wonder about the process of life. I really had to let go and learn to trust the process of life (as I was living it, as well as while it was going on inside of me, almost a part from me, but as well a part of me).

I cultivated the sense of wonder by having lots of conversations with God about life itself. By sitting still and just being. Inhaling and exhaling became worship to me. Worship of the Creator God for who He is and what He was doing inside of me.

I have been a bit distracted to actually continue with that sense of wonder, unless I'm just alone with Jack, feeding him or just holding him while he sleeps.

This is a good reminder to take time to intentionally wonder at the beauty and love and goodness of God. Mostly through the lives with whom He's allowing my own life to intersect and connect.

December 3 – Moment.

2010-12-03T10:20:00.003-07:00

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

Since I haven't recorded the story of Jack Haynesworth Latourelle's entrance into the world, this seems as good a time as any, regarding feeling most alive. There are few times in my life where I've felt as alive as I did in the process of giving birth. Feeling alive while experience new life is such a surreal experience. I'm sure that won't be the last trite statement I use as I tell my first born's birth story.

Saturday, July 24: Shawn had planned for us to go into San Francisco for the day. During a job, he'd stumbled upon a street that had a few baby-type shops and he knew that I'd love it. So we went window shopping. Around 11a, I started having contractions, but I thought they were just Braxton-Hicks. I hadn't felt any contractions prior to that day. I didn't say anything to Shawn at first, but in my head I was counting how long they lasted and keeping track of how far apart they were. Initially, they were about 30 seconds long, and at least 20 minutes apart. A couple hours into it, I shared with Shawn what I was feeling and he agreed that surely they were just Braxton-Hicks. We went into some really cute shops that had really cute things, but didn't buy anything. We grabbed lunch at a cafe on the corner. When we were walking after lunch, and still had a few shops to mosy into, I think is when I felt my water break. But at the time, I just thought it was related to the mucus plug. So, we kept on our merry way. We sat in the MOST comfortable rocker in the world, but of course, left it at the store.
We made our way back home and I noticed the front of the kitchen cabinets were filthy. So I started cleaning them (that should've been the sign that I was about to have a baby!).
We had dinner and I started feeling the contractions a bit more regularly. Looking back, I should've eaten way more than I did, considering I wouldn't eat again until after 8p the next day. I think around 8p I realized these weren't fake contractions, but the real thing.
Then we went to bed. Except, I couldn't sleep. For some, it may be the case, but for me, I couldn't catch any sleep in between contractions. I can't fall sleep that quickly, nor was I able to handle the contractions lying (or sitting) down.
Sunday, July 25: Around 1a, I called San Francisco Kaiser. They said they had room for me, but if I could stand it longer at home, I should try. So try I did. I also did a load of laundry because the outfit I wanted to go to the hospital in wasn't clean (I wasn't due until August 6, but was for sure I'd give birth August 1). I also took a hot shower around that time. That felt good, too.
With each contraction, I would hold on to the end of the bed and sway my hips back and around (like a hoola). I learned that in my yoga class. I would moan during them, although I was trying not to be too loud since we had a roommate at the time.
4:30a rolls around and I know it's time to go. My bag was already packed. Shawn's was, too. He put the bags in the car and we headed to the hospital.
My biggest concern was making it to the hospital through the contractions. I hadn't sat down for a contraction since around 8p, so I was scared. But I made it. It was about a 30 minute ride to the hospital. Luckily, there's not much traffic going into San Francisco at 5a on a Sunday.
Shawn dropped me off at the Emergency Room entrance, just liked we'd been told to do at our birthing class. He went to park the car. I told the lady I was in labor and needed assistance. Meanwhile, I placed my hand against the wall and swung my hips back and around when the next contraction came on.
Shawn came before anyone was ready to take us back. Finally a woman came to us and said we could go with her. They had a wheelchair for me. I gladly accepted.
When we got to our room, I asked for an epidural. I had to wait for the anesthesiologist to come, so I think it was 8a before I actually got the epidural.
Then I went to sleep. I progressed a bit, but by the afternoon, I needed pitosin. So I got some and then, started progressing right.
With the help of my fabulous nurse, Anna, and Shawn, I pushed for about 2 hours. I experienced what most women giving birth experienced: I didn't think I was going to make it. And I said as much. And I do remember apologizing for not being able to make it. Then, I felt the ring of fire (that's what the OB called it, and that's for sure what it felt like to me).
Jack Haynesworth Latourelle was born at 7:22p on July 25, 2010. He weighed 6 pounds, 13 ounces, was 21 inches long and I can't remember his head circumference. The funniest thing, though, was that he had the BIGGEST cone head (he shrunk a quarter of an inch after the conehead shrunk). The nurse even wrote "Giant Conehead" underneath his measurements. We all were laughing about it.
Per my request, they cleaned him up before bringing him to me. They brought him over, and I was speechless. It's still quite surreal that he grew inside me and that I gave birth to him. He looked so much like Shawn. He was so tiny, but I swear he smiled at me when he first laid eyes on me.

December 2: Writing.

2010-12-02T14:22:00.002-07:00

What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)

This presupposes that I write. Ha! I actually barely began to participate in National Novel Writing Month (that was November), but failed miserably. In hopes of being a success at something, I'll continue on with Reverb 10. Something I do each day that doesn't contribute to my writing is surfing the web and watching TV online. I check Facebook far too often. I subscrie to a ridiculous amount of blogs. I'm even considering (haven't committed yet) to fasting from the Internet for Lent. If I didn't waste that time, I could truly be more thoughtful and make more attempts at expressing those thoughts. I will set a goal of limiting myself to one hour online a day. Not altogether elminating, but limiting, so that I can begin to make room to write some.

Reverb 10

2010-12-02T14:19:00.004-07:00

I've decided to come back to the blog world by participating in Reverb 10 for the month of December. Here goes...

December 1 One WordEncapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Our church decided on a word of the year for 2010 and that word was courage. I have tried to live out courage a few ways this past year. I think, obviously, the biggest for me was having the courage to give birth to Jack and learn to live out the role of mom. It's not been an easy task. I feel inadequate more than not, so far. But it's also a time of learning...about who I really am, what I am capable of doing, and how far I have to go to become who I know I am capable of being.

As for a word for 2011, I'm still mulling that over. I'm leaning toward CHANGE, but it may be BECOME. I'll keep you posted.

the latest

2009-08-11T14:59:00.001-06:00

I had to read some scripture so I would be able to sleep last night and the last was Proverbs 10 and one of the verses is 'Hatred stirs up dissension but love covers over all wrongs.'

As I've been meditating on that today, I'm clarifying between erasing wrongs and covering over. And praying that I would have love for those who live in the place that I do and for those connected to those who live in the place I do.

I've been asking God to speak to me about what I'm supposed to be gettng out of this circumstance and who I'm supposed to be in it all.

The justice thing is rearing its head (I'm in no way apologetic for holding my ground on keeping rules that are agreed upon by all). I think perhaps some of it is learning to be ok/comfortable/whatever with 'being the bad guy' when standing up for what I believe is right (which sounds really trite and third-gradish and I don't know why I am learning this (perhaps again) now, but am trying to live fully in it).

I think grace is in there somewhere, as well, though in learning to love and to cover, while still maintaining truth.

Rilke is one of my heroes. One of my favorite quotes of his is "I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

dream vs. reality

2009-03-29T12:41:00.002-06:00

so i had these recurring dreams last night (dreamt the same sequence two or three times; would wake up and roll over between each time) that I had this check (it's a real check that I got from work for reimbursements) that I hadn't deposited. I was supposed to have deposited it and still had it with me (and in my dream, I'm thinking, 'I have to go deposit that check tomorrow). In the dream, it wasn't the right situation and there were different circumstances surrounding who was telling me to deposit it, from where I had received it, etc. So when I woke up, the first words out of my mouth to Shawn were, "I dreamt about the check. I haven't deposited it, yet. If I don't do anything else today, I'll deposit that check." So after cleaning a bit around the house and doing my yoga (am in an introductory class and so it's just basics right now but I'm really really liking it), I went to the bank. When I got there, I looked all in my bag for the check and couldn't find it. So I come back in a panic. Look all around the desk and don't see it. So I looked up online and found the check (since I remembered the exact amount) and it had been deposited (by my lovely husband) two weeks ago. I think I'm losing it. Now I should probably do my yoga again to try and calm down and de-stress...or maybe just hang out in the Psalms a bit.

Tag

2009-03-27T13:32:00.002-06:00

So I was tagged. Thought it'd be a good way to dive back into blogging. I've decided not to tag anyone else, though (sorry).

Also, just an update: it's Friday and I'm already ready to go home already. But I'm looking forward to walking after work and to helping some friends clean their new place before they move in (a rented home in a neighborhood nearby). I've given up sugar for Lent. 16 more days. Way harder than I thought, but it's been good for me. And the dropping of pounds hasn't been bad, either. Ok, so here goes:

What is your current favorite quote:
Who are your heroes in real life?
Let’s go with Jesus. Not the gay-hating, war-making political tool of the right, but the outcast, subversive, supreme adept who preferred the freaks and lepers and despised and doomed to the rich and powerful. The man Garry Wills describes “with the future in his eyes … paradoxically calming and provoking,” and whom Flannery O’Connor saw as “the ragged figure who moves from tree to tree in the back of [one’s] mind.” --John Cusack

Good fika (coffee) place? Starbucks will do. I normally just drink the (free) coffee that's made by a coworker.

Do you nap? LOVE naps. I try to nap any time I get a chance, which isn't very often these days.

Who was the last person you hugged? Shawn as I said goodbye to him this morning.

What’s for dinner? Leftovers from a place I just discovered via a new friend. Cafe Del Sol in Mill Valley. The leftover is half a chicken/rice/feta/lime-flavored wrap.

What was the last thing you bought? The lunch mentioned above.

What are you listening to right now? Pandora...the current station is Piano Concerto.

What is your favourite weather? Warm, sunny, but with a slight breeze (i.e. jeans and a t-shirt w/ flip-flops weather)

What’s on your bedside table? a couple of books, a lamp, a picture of my mom and me

What are you currently reading? a book on hospitality, a book about living in community with others, and people's blogs

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you want it to be? I'm gonna go with the Gerstle Park neighbrhood of San Rafael (where I currently rent an apartment). As for not-so-practical, we'll go with South of France.

Favourite vacation spot? I live in a vacation spot, so we make mini-vacations (stay-cations as they call it around here). And again, as for not-so-practical (as in I've actually never been, but been really close by there), we'll go with South of France. Then I could just stay in that house I'd have and save on a hotel.

Name the things you can’t live without. Trying to stay away from that idea altogether, but I'll say the Internet.

What would you like to have in your hands right now? a bowl with some ice cream, or Shawn (cheesy, I know; I had to say it).

What is your favourite tea flavour? Mighty Leaf's Celebration. Hands down.

What would you like to get rid of? My negative attitude; my lack of being a morning person.

What is your favorite scent of candle? Clean Cotton.

What did you want to become as a child? It changed every year. Once it was a marin biologist, then an Advertising Agent. By 7th grade I'd narrowed it down to either a professor at a seminar or a missionary. I'm living out the second, but in a much different way than I ever imagined.

What do you like better, e-mail or telephone calls? E-mail is more efficient. Calls are more personal. So it definitely depends on the situation.

Happy Friday!

dreaming again

2009-01-06T09:56:00.002-07:00

last night one of the dreams i had was that i had been bitten by a serpent in my heel and that there was poison trapped in my foot and that i was going to have to have surgery to get it out.

one of our new year's resolutions is to get up early and read scripture and pray together. shawn chose Genesis for us to start. this is part of chapter 3...

14 So the LORD God said to the serpent, "Because you have done this,
"Cursed are you above all the livestock
and all the wild animals!
You will crawl on your belly
and you will eat dust
all the days of your life.

15 And I will put enmity
between you and the woman,
and between your offspring [a] and hers;
he will crush [b] your head,
and you will strike his heel."

seriuosly?

in other news, i'm alreay ready to leave work for the day. got here almost two hours ago and i'm done. for one thing, i thought a seminar for which i had to prepare, would be starting at 8:30a. nope...1p. fun times. and a candidate calls at 8:30 asking for something he's supposed to have read by 1p this afternoon. and that's our fault...pretty sure he even has what he's supposed to read, he just can't find it.
love my job.

attacked by an animal

2009-01-04T10:08:00.003-07:00

weird dreams plagued my restless sleep. in part of the dream, a group of people were on some sort of boat (when we boarded it was supposed to be some tour of something or other). from the boat we watched this cheetah (maybe?) chase and grab a fox. then, all of a sudden, either the cheetah or the fox starting getting near the boat and coming for my feet. I was screaming and trying to keep my feet tucked under me, but the animal kept coming.
another sequence in the dream, i had to walk to the school where I needed to sign up for classes. i couldn't figure out how to sign up for what i needed. and remember, i had walked all the way there (from wherever I was, of course). my sister shows up and we get in a fight (physical one). then i walk away and sense that suddenly i'm starving. so i get in the cafeteria line, but realize i only have $3.50. i order a chicken leg, a biscuit and something to drink. i pray they don't ask me to pay. and i don't have to pay. i eat and then on to another sequence...then i'm in the snow on a hill and have to traverse to the other side. that's all i remember about that part. there's one more troubling sequence that now (of course) i can't recall.
this is why it takes me a while to want to wake up occasionally...because i'm trying to resolve the dreams i have. the alarm goes off, i get up and hit snooze and then go back to bed so that i can try to make my dreams have happy endings.

in the new year, i do have a couple of resolutions.

i'm going to try and shoot for walking 45 minutes at least 3 times a day.
i'm going to try and shoot for not cussing, or even thinking a cuss word, every time i think of my current boss.
shawn and i are going to try and pray for a couple of people each night before we go to bed and are also going to try and get up early to read scripture together. we did this when we were dating and also when we first were married. have become a little slack in this.

i turn 30 in 10 days. not so much looking forward to it, but the day should be good. i have started taking off on my birthday. i use my one personal day. makes sense to me. so i've scheduled a pedicure and a hair cut and shawn's taking me out for dinner (in Marin and somewhere I've not been before is all I know) that evening. So it should be a good day.

but 30 makes me think of being responsible and having my stuff all together and i don't yet. still trying to figure out the whole what i'm going to be when i grow up. i'm now considering coaching (kind of instead of counseling). but i'm not for sure.

anyway, hopefully 2009 will be a good one. God have mercy.

2008-12-15T18:13:00.004-07:00

opportunity

2008-11-25T22:40:00.002-07:00

i need to live outside of myself more. i need to want to know people's stories. i was reminded (but it was put in a different form that made the lightbulb even brighter) that in re-storying comes restoration. i need to learn peoples' stories so they can be heard, be validated and hopefully to find metaphors and experiences that can lead to restoration. May God have mercy on that.

tonight, walking towards my car on a college campus, a lady out of the blue came up and said that she missed the bus and asked for a ride. i hesitated and then said i had a meeting. the 'meeting' was going home for dinner. i could have taken her where she needed to go. and i could have learned a bit of her story and been love to her.

may I be aware of these opportunities and make the most of them and not have my head down and be so task and time oriented that I miss out on relating to others, and therefore relating to God.

a fully great weekend

2008-10-20T11:42:00.002-06:00

i wanted to document this weekend's events because it just felt like a full, really happy, really good weekend.
we helped out with a group life simulcast conference. we were the book-sellers. so we got to go for free. about every other speaker was really good. the others...we realized we were a little ahead of the curve on getting on board with the information that was shared. some of it was a good reminder, other stuff was a bit more 'aha.'
after the conference on Saturday (it went from 8:30a-3:30p) we went to buy some new walking shoes for me. we went to archrival. Shawn used to work there, so we normally still get a discount, plus they sell good shoes. before we even walked in, we looked at the shoes for sale outside. i picked up one that i liked. it's actually the brand that shawn bought for his work tennisshoes (i say it as one word, so i'll write it as one word). so we walked in and asked if they had the shoe in my size. shawn also asked the guy to bring out any thing else that he thought might work. tried the pair on that i picked out and they're perfect! that's never happened before. yay for new shoes. AND they're also good for hiking. so after we got the shoes, we went for a hike. cool trail that Shawn stumbled upon. then we went home and had dinner and then walked down to the sports' bar to watch game 6 between the red sox and the rays. fun game to watch. fun crowd in the place.
sunday we slept in. then i met a friend to get a pedicure. a new place in strawberry village was having a special that we stumbled upon on friday so we made appointments for sunday at 10:30a. i LOVE a pedicure. then we went home and hung out a bit. i finished preparing for facilitating church on hebrews 4. then Shawn took me to the DRIVING RANGE. first time I've ever been to the driving range. it was a big deal for me. both my dad and granddad were golfers, but never once took me with them. i actually did fairly well for it being my first time. i was able to use demo clubs. they were still too long, but better than using Shawn's. i actually hit most of the golf balls. it was pretty fun, but I have to admit that I am not the most patient person, so I was ready to be done after about 2/3 of the medium basket of balls. i let Shawn hit the rest. Then we practiced putting some. I'm pretty ok at that because of all the putt-putting I did in my younger days.
so then we went home and took a nap. then i watched an episode of the Office. then it was church. that went pretty well. I used a few tips from the conference to ask some pointed questions about Sabbath rest. and I challenged us all to spend some intentional time in Sabbath rest some time this week.
then we got to watch the end of game 7. rays won. probably won't try too hard to catch any of the World Series.
anyway, it was just a fun, relaxing, but full of learning and spending time with people kind of weekend.

encounters

2008-10-15T11:53:00.002-06:00

on the plane ride back i sat next to a lady who was a psychologist/counselor/professor. i was reading my lifespan text and so as we were about to deplane, she asked what i was studying. i shared with her that i was taking two prerequisites for a Master's in Counseling. she then shared that's what she got and affirmed in the path I was choosing to become a counselor. Then she asked why I was in CO. She mentioned that even in only the few days she was there for a conference she starting feeling a bit trapped and missed the water. I told her that was exactly the reason I wanted to move back to the Bay Area and that I hadn't even realized it. I told her I was from the East Coast (it's true, and doesn't have the connotation of The South) and had never lived more than 2 hours from the ocean prior to living in CO. She said, she too was from the East Coast. She asked where I was from and I told her SC. She then lit up and said she was from Savannah! We talked about people being closed-minded and sweeping things under the rug.

It was just an interesting encounter of someone in whose footsteps I seem to be following, though I'd never met her before...

That to say, I think the idea is to wait a few years, go for my Master's in Counseling (a two year program if I go full-time) and concentrate on Marriage and Family therapy. I'm hopeful about that idea and the journey that lies ahead. If she (and two other ladies in the Bay Area I know who got the same degree at the same place I'm looking into and who're counseling/teaching now) I can too, right?

the things of the journey

2008-10-06T10:42:00.002-06:00

this weekend, i co-hosted a baby shower. my first baby shower ever to co-host. it went well. i can't wait to meet little jude (due Nov. 14). we had petit fors and mini-quiches and drank punch out of wine glasses.

that morning, i learned that a 40 year old healthy husband and father of 5, devoted follower of Christ died. he found out back in November that he had stage 4 lung cancer. never smoked a day in his life. was in great physical and spiritual shape. now he's gone. the hardest thing for me is those 5 girls (ages 6-16) who were so faithful and hopeful their dad would live. and of course he's living eternally in a much better place, but for now, that's still not ok to me. i pray their faith continues (thought I can't say I'd blame them if it didn't). I pray they feel and know the peace and love of God during this hard, sad time.

and it's the little things that get to me. that I hate. we didn't have church because of a blue grass festival. i'm totally ok with that. except, only 1 person from our church ended up going. there are only 6 of us total. but then after that, when we would normally meet for church, they all (minus shawn and me) hung out together. didn't even think to call us. ok. that just stings a bit. not that i wasn't productive last night (had to study for a test...only got through Freud...have 3 more theorists to learn by Wednesday), but it's the principle. we've been 'church' with these two couples for over a year now. i just wish we were thought of to hang out outside of church. hardly happens...

so i've been praying for 7 San Rafael friends (that's the town in which we live). which means I have to hang out in San Rafael to meet people that would become friends. but i work full-time in another town. which means i have to be hanging out downtown San Rafael during the evenings. I've had the idea of joining a book club. will go look on Craigslist for something like that right now.

not to mention that Auburn lost Saturday...to Vanderbilt. really? we need to get a consistent offense going. don't think that will happen this season. i'm not looking forward to the Iron Bowl this year.

gotta go get ready for a meeting about numbers with the President and the Registrar...

dreams and ice cream

2008-08-31T12:39:00.002-06:00

We stumbled upon a Haagen Daaz ice cream store yesterday in Palo Alto (free museum on the campus of Stanford that's awesome for those of you in the Bay area).

anyway, so first of all, Shawn's only had Haagen Daaz ice cream a handful of times and only Haagen Daaz coffee ice cream once. and he loved it. of course he loved it. so i made him let us go in and get some. I chose coffee mocha chip. the best thing in the world. and that made my day. i mean it was a gorgeous day and the museum was fun and going into a two-story Crate & Barrel was way fun, but the ice cream did it for me.

so then we get home and don't really have dinner. i choose to have an ice cream sandwich as my little bite to eat before bed. i hardly have a little bite to eat before bed any more, but i figured since i didn't have dinner, i could choose this. so as i'm taking the first few bites, shawn says, 'that's gonna give you nightmares, along with the haagen daaz.' i reply back, 'no, you saying that it's going to give me nightmares is going to give me nightmares.'

going to bed, i thought nothing of that conversation.

well...two different times i had 'disturbing dreams'

the first one, i got abducted by this guy around my age. he didn't look all that scary, but i was hiding from them coming after us (who knows who us was and who knows why we were in the woods behind the building we were hanging out in because we knew they were coming to get us but why they were coming to get us, again i don't know). but anyway, i was hiding next to a big tree because they were trying to find us in their cars, so i thought, they can't get close enough to me if i'm next to a tree. well someway or another, the dude caught me. but we were in public and i was trying to make people believe that he had kidnapped me and was doing bad things to me, but because he looked so normal, no one would believe me. finally, i ran into a group of guys who knew me and i was able to explain to them the scenario. and finally the abductor let me out of his sight long enough for me to run away. and the guys said they were going to take care of him. so i start running and it's night fall and i end up in this neighborhood and i realize it's the neighborhood of some family i use to live with (not in real life, but in the reality of the dream life i was living). so i made it to their house and i just ran inside. there were kids there and they didn't recognize me, but the mom did and i told her what had happened and she let me stay....then i woke up .

so then i tried going back to sleep to have a good dream. i had woken up right before the alarm went off. so then i fell back asleep and dreamt that shawn and i were looking for something and he realized that we had never moved anything out of the storage space in the old apartment (we didn't have a storage space in the old apartment, just in the dream life of the old apartment). so some friends of ours were over when we realized this so the four of us went over and first wanted to see if we'd left it in the apartment itself. so we just walked in (the door was open, the 'new' people hadn't fully moved in yet...something about they had to paint or something). so we checked and our stuff wasn't in there, but we were hoping since the new people hadn't fully moved in that they wouldn't have looked in the storage room yet. so we got to the storage room, and sure enough all our stuff was in there. i woke up as we were moving stuff out of there and walking it down the street to our new place...

anybody out there into interpreting dreams?

and now back to doing laundry...

days go by

2008-08-30T19:38:00.002-06:00

it's been a while since i've updated. so my back got better the day after we flew to MN. the flight was pretty miserable, but I made it. I've figured out that I can handle being sick/hurt/etc for about three days. Past that, I get overwhelmed and seem to have a break down. That's not really a good track record. I mean, maybe I can work up to handling something a week. Although, I'm not asking to have something go wrong so I can test that out.

Lately, I've been thinking about the future. Not such a surprise. I'm taking two classes at the community college this semester. Two prerequisites for a Masters in Counseling that I'm looking into. The classes are really basic. But interesting so far (it's only been two weeks). I have a paper due that can't be longer than 3 pages and it's based on what I think using a movie to describe what I think.

The orientation for the degree is in October. And it's a mandatory orientation.

Am looking forward to learning more about it. I'll apply, but I haven't decided to go that route or not. I'd have to work full time and go to school at the same time. It's a three year degree.

Other than that, things are going well. We may get a new boss by January. It's been nice having a boss that only comes on campus once a month.

Now I'm rambling...good thing it's a day weekend. We're doing a 'stay-cation.' Hung out in Palo Alto today and Monday we're gonna just hang out in the city.

Yay for college football starting. Auburn has a huge lead in the 3rd quarter. Shut out so far.

Happy Labor Day weekend!

fun times

2008-08-06T22:40:00.003-06:00

sunday while helping friends move, i hurt my back. didn't feel it until middle of the night that night. it's just a muscle strain of some sort, but it's no fun. especially when we leave tomorrow night for minnesota to visit shawn's family (my family, too, now I guess). but having a thrown-out back means no lifting, no washing dishes or doing laundry, and while that sounds nice, when it comes right before traveling, it's not making things here at home that nice. cause it means shawn has to do all of that, plus get ready himself for the trip and for some reason he gets a little edgy every time we travel by plane. so, i've been sitting around tonight while he finishes up work stuff trying to stay out of the way, wishing i could make it better.

in other news, my brother-in-law, Patrick, is home from a year away in Iraq. He and my sister will be leaving for Japan in November. Paige came for a weekend visit mid-July and that'll be the last time I see her for quite a while. I'm really excited for them. Part of me really wanted to be there today to welcome him home.

Also, I've been really missing my grandparents lately. My grandmother is still living and I'll get to see her at Thanksgiving, but it's hard to keep in touch. She doesn't answer the phone if family isn't there and I could write her, but others have to read it to her and it feels weird for me to know that. I should get over that part and send her letters anyway.

And the other night I dreamt that I went to visit my grandparents and got to see my granddad for a minute or two and got to tell him we were visiting Minnesota. That's all I remember about it.

And then there's school. I start classes at the community college the week of the 18th. I'm taking two classes that are prerequisites for a Master's degree in Counseling that I'm thinking about starting next Fall. I'm looking forward to learning and being back in the classroom. It'll be interesting to see how I can balance school, work and being intentional in the community.

argh

2008-07-25T16:44:00.001-06:00

i really hate it when people spell my name wrong.

remembering by doing

2008-07-24T20:41:00.002-06:00

my granddad died a little over two years ago. before that day i'd never known a day in this world without him.

occasionally i miss him so much it hurts. sometimes, though, i do things and realize i do them because he did them. and that makes me smile. two things have happened this past week that have been such occurrences.

the other night i played solitaire...with real playing cards. haven't done that in a long while. he taught me how.

tonight, all i had for dinner was some rolls with butter and jelly. my granddad would have that for dinner from time to time.

deep sigh...it's the little things.

tonight we're going to worship outside. intentionally as a way of being light to our community by singing out words of exaltation and truth to our God in front of everyone who passes by. it is my hope that those words and the music will sweeten the air and people's spirits will be lifted and the Holy Spirit would guide people to feel a deep hunger inside themselves for their Creator.

bargaining

2008-07-16T12:51:00.001-06:00

perhaps i spoke in haste. i bargained with Shawn. normally, I get $15 a week for food. really, it's to eat out with friends. i can usually go out twice a week if I play the game right.

well, last night neither of us felt like cooking and i really wanted chicken fingers and french fries. and the All Star game was on (we don't have a T.V.). so I bargained. i told Shawn that if we go to dinner at the sports bar and watch the game, that i would give up two weeks of my $15/week for lunches. so i have to bring my lunch every day for the next two weeks. it'll be hard, but i think i'm up for the challenge.

i'm in love

2008-07-15T17:53:00.002-06:00

with this: http://wordle.net/

and with http://www.ted.com/

poems

2008-07-11T18:20:00.002-06:00

Some poems that were recommended. Some I've read before, others I've not known until now.

"We Real Cool" by G. Brooks
"You Begin," by M. Atwood
"Afternoon Memory" G. Soto
"Theories of Time and Space" N Trethewey
"Still" A R Ammons
"Road Not Taken" R Frost
"The Lake Isle of Innisfree" WB Yeats
"Words from the Front" R Padgett
"Rhode Island" W Meredith
"Homage to my Hips" L Clifton
"Supermarket in California" A Ginsberg
"Kore" R Creeley

grappling

2008-07-07T17:14:00.002-06:00

at church last night we talked about healing (Matthew 8). i don't really know my theology of healing. how much faith does it take? or is it even about faith? and is it all about physical healing or does 'restore' refer to spiritual healing and reconciliation? lots of questions. no conclusive answers. i realized that i have a mostly human perspective on death. that i lose sight of the eternal life hopeful part about it. and that's struggling with those who are followers of Christ. the eternal damnation thing is even harder.

on another note, a couple of weeks ago we were hanging out with some friends at their house in san anselmo (home of the best bagels in Marin). anyway, they have a 17 month old girl who is absolutely brilliant and precious. she fell asleep on my lap. gosh. amazing.

i've been thinking about kids and i eventually want some, but these days the choice is between me going back to school to get a degree i can actually use for a career or having kids. it's not an either/or. if i go back to school, we'll just wait until i finish before starting a family. and if i went back to school, i'd be working full time as i went back to school. and it'd be three years of school, which includes intern hours. i've applied to the local community college to take some prerequisite courses. that would be to get my feet wet. i'm hoping that after taking those classes i'll have a better idea if this is what i should and want to be doing.

that's all for now.

too good not to post

2008-06-26T12:01:00.002-06:00

so the word of the day is "char" (says my friend sara). we're trying to use it in every conversation we have today.

I say, "happiness chars my soul."

The best T-shirt ever! Front: "Happiness chars my soul" Back: in a good way, of course.

Picture on front with text: panda-shaped balloon ( i had no idea how many panda balloons are out there (google 'panda balloon). amazing

would you rather: my friend, marlee, and I play 'would you rather' on a fairly consistent basis. her friend once came up with what i consider possibly the best 'would you rather'.

Would you rather have a magnetic head OR have to say 'tuck it in' after every sentence?

lemme know which you'd rather

whew

2008-05-30T10:40:00.002-06:00

i'm learning to be more low-context in a diplomatic way at work. professionally, i'm used to 'beating around the bush' to communicate. personally, i'm fairly direct in my communication. i'm realizing that i talk about work directly, but deal with work situations and relationships quite indirectly or not at all. so i'm learning to be more direct, but in a nice, not defensive or insecure, kind of way.

for example, someone to whom i answer began spelling my name wrong about three days ago. interestingly, up to that, he'd spelled it correctly. for some reason, it just changed. not ok with me. so i e-mailed him to let him know it bothered me. his reply...Thanks, Loren. Will do.

so one victory.

THEN, I was to have a meeting with two people from another office. One on my level and the other the supervisor, so on a level above me. I realized that this would pose a possible lose-face situation, or worse, them ganging up on me (not in a real fight kind of way, but still). So I e-mailed the supervisor and requested a meeting just with him. He wouldn't have that, so I said I'd need my supervisor there, as well. Victory!

These sound stupid and small, but it's a huge step for me for some reason. I feel like I'm growing. Now I need to learn how better to surervise the two people I'm supposed to be supervising.

On a lighter note, I got my hair cut (all of them, actually) yesterday. I'll have to take a picture to post. I like it alot. AND Shawn commented positively on it right when I walked in the door (last time, it took til the next day, so I communicated with him that I needed verbal affirmation more quickly than that and he remembered!).

Whew...it's been a busy morning already. All before 10a!

finally?

2008-05-07T15:18:00.002-06:00

um, this post may not be seen as appropriate by some (as in my mom who never let us use the word 'butt')

so i've posted a couple of times about trying to stop biting my nails. A couple of weeks ago, someone provided an analogy that I think may be the solution to biting my nails: biting your nails is like licking your butt hole. nice. whatever it takes, right?

frivolity

2008-05-02T11:16:00.002-06:00

31 cents for a scoop of ice cream. i got three scoops of chocolate chip.

watched both American Idols. don't think this year is even close to the talent of any of the past years. and Jason shouldn't have made it to the top 8 or so. whatever. it's his eyes.

i'm going to a conference this weekend in San Francisco about living in community. hope to meet some like-minded people and maybe even learn a thing or two.

am going to make home-made macaroni and cheese for the first time ever. we're having a picnic for church this Sunday. way looking forward to that...roasted chicken, baked beans, mac n cheese...mmmm.

a friend introduced me to hulu.com. check it out. free movies and free tv online. for me, since we don't have a tv, this is extremely happy. speaking of which, i didn't watch Grey's Anatomy last night. need to watch it online today. maybe on my lunch break...

see, it's all frivolous stuff, but sometimes that's just how it is. maybe we'll name a daughter (if we have one) frivolous anne. the other option these days is shananigans jane. that's a good one, too. maybe we'll have twin girls who would hate us forever.

stuff

2008-04-09T13:23:00.003-06:00

earlier this week, i was trying just to delete one e-mail when all of a sudden all e-mails were highlighted and before i realized it, i hit 'shift-delete' and all 11 e-mails in the inbox were gone. luckily, a majority had been replied to and/or taken care of. most were just reminders of stuff i was waiting on from others. now it's happy, cause my inbox is so clean!

WARNING: Please do not read the following if it is easy for you to get queasy over things of love that are cheesy.
it's been 10 months since i've been married. in chapel today we sang the song about our lives being a love song to God. it hit me that i hadn't really gotten the full meaning of that until shawn wrote a song for me (no words yet; just melody). but it really touched me. i'm thankful for Shawn's presence in my life. and hopeful for the 'what's to come' with him. yay for ten months.

that's it for now

seriously

2008-04-08T15:42:00.003-06:00

sent out a syllabus today for a seminar. get an e-mail from a student asking about the start and end times. i had a hunch that the information he was requesting might have been included in the syllabus. sure enough, SCHEDULE was pages 6-7. i LOVE it when people read. seriously. it's my favorite.

good thing i'm here to read for them. what ever would they do?

tuesday

2008-04-01T17:09:00.002-06:00

i've had the hiccups twice today.

i'm really wanting some ice cream right about now. how i wish a perk of this job was free Starbucks and free Coldstone.

i was just told by the head guy here that I look like an artist today. i'm wearing a loose black dress, black knee socks and black clogs with my hair in a bun. perhaps he's not so wrong? not necessarily what i was going for. just didn't feel like thinking hard about what to wear this morning.

love the fact that Dr. Pepper was the free gift today on Facebook. too bad I can only give it once to a friend. boo.

trying to have a productive last 45 minutes at work...starting right after i click on "publish post"

another quote

2008-03-31T18:27:00.003-06:00

so i told myself i'd stop quoting so much and actually really blog one of these days, but today isn't the day. can't help but share this one.

professor (if you know where i work this makes it way better) says, "honesty will get you no where."
this is the same professor that could never remember which class he was teaching. also the same professor missed the day of our final exam because he was taking some colleagues out for dinner...at In and Out. no kidding.

happiness...

the best

2008-03-27T17:06:00.003-06:00

i received the best compliment EVER from my boss today:

"you're like a nice house in a bad neighborhood."

community

2008-03-26T15:06:00.004-06:00

just needed to remember to read this more in depth. don't necessarily want to bore anyone.
Smith, M. K. (2001) 'Community' in the encyclopedia of informal education, http://www.infed.org/community/community.htm.

good words

2008-03-17T13:38:00.000-06:00

Leo Buscaglia : The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It's overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt.

great quote

2008-03-12T16:03:00.001-06:00

overheard from one professor to another:

"i wouldn't call it sneaky. i'd rather call it 'wise.' wise sounds much better..."

why i do what i do

2008-02-27T16:42:00.003-07:00

e-mails like this make my job worthwhile (please note the hint of sarcasm, although it is nice to be appreciated):

Loren, Loren...sister
Thank you.
H

That was it...all because I translated (i.e. READ FOR HIM) the calendar he was given in his guidebook.

That's what I'm here for.

"work"

2008-02-27T16:37:00.005-07:00

a friend works at the cubicle next to me. there's only a glass window separating our desks, so we chat with each other quite a bit when she's in the office. she's the resident researcher. i have quite a curious streak within. so she quenches my thirst for knowledge of the important things in life.

the latest:

Nutritional Facts for 1 M&M:

total fat- .01g
cholesterol- .05mg
carbs- .34g
fiber- .01g
sugars- .31g
protein- .02g
calcium- .4mg

"Heaven's to Betsy" (I asked from where the saying came):
possibly: "Brown Bes" musket; "Old Bes" (musket's nickname given by Davy Crockett)= heavens to Betsy. the phrase has been foudn in print as early as 1892.

good to know, huh?

good Word

2008-02-22T10:45:00.003-07:00

Psalm 143: 8-10

8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

Personality

2008-02-20T11:08:00.001-07:00

Great article on Slate about the presidential candidates' personalities. Fascinating.

friday

2008-02-08T15:45:00.001-07:00

it's friday. it's gorgeous outside. i'm sitting inside at work. not too much going on this weekend. am pretty thankful for that.

reading parts of a book about Easter Saturday. quite interesting. not often does it come up.

am fasting from ice cream for Lent this year.

it's a slow day today. i'm hungry. i've had a ridiculous combination of food today so far: two chocolate chip cookies, a single serving of apple sauce, some kettle chips, a single serving of chocolate pudding and a small rice krispy treat (and a cup of coffee and a can of coke). wonder why i'm hungry. i have left a single serving of instant oatmeal i can make, and another single serving of apple sauce. don't know if that's gonna tide me over...but this is what happens when i'm in charge of 'making' my lunch and i've run out of my weekly budgeted money for eating out. argh...it's all about choices i suppose.

this week

2008-02-05T18:14:00.000-07:00

this week's not much better job-wise, but more sobering stuff is happening.

friend is hosting refugees from Chad; worship leader here had a stroke and is still in a coma; guy i know is learning to be by himself (wife left him, kids went to college) for the first time ever

i'm trying to figure out how to minister out of who i am but where God has me for the time being. i have to learn this wife thing, but also minister to my co-workers, those whom I serve by description of my job, my boss, and those with whom I randomly come in contact. don't know that i'm being much of anything to anyone. so i'll be more intentional with that...try to remember, anyway.

and i voted today. i like how it feels to vote. i'm gonna keep it private, which i'm not sure how i feel about. i'm mixed on whether to feel proud and proclaim for whom i voted or to keep it privtae just cause that's what i was taught.

but i'm registered non-partisan. cause i like to change my mind and not be placed in a box. especially when the definition of said box changes...

anywho, i really just blogged cause it's been a couple of days.

that's all.

half full/half empty

2008-01-31T16:32:00.000-07:00

before jumping to conclusions, i need to make it clear that i am thankful for my job. i give all credit to God for delivering me from a pretty crazy situation to come to work here (which, i admit, some days are crazy, but doable crazy, not working-for-a-crazy-psychologist-crazy). i get to have lunch with friends on a weekly basis. i have good benefits. we're able to save and pay off debt with me having this job.

all of that to say, i haven't quite figured out what i 'want to be when i grow up,' but i'm slowly, but oh-so-surely, learning what i DON'T want it to include:

1. making copies (do i really have to explain myself here?)

2. scheduling (i'm not a fan of trying to work with various peoples' schedules to find a time for all of them to meet when everyone has the idea that his/her schedule is of utmost importance)

3. calling someone to set up a phone conversation with that someone and another someone (why can't the said person wanting me to make such call just call the person with whom they want a conversation and either talk with them right then or leave a message?)

4. minute-taker of a meeting (i've learned i get way too involved to be a part of any meeting and not be able to provide my two cents as a viable decision maker)

i'm sure there's more...those are the ones that come to mind at the moment. i'll keep you posted.

Hope & Question

letting it go

the last of april

reading

family

20. Really truly: Is this what I want to be doing?

19. Are my thoughts hurting or healing?

18. So say I lived in that fabulous house in Tuscany, with untold wealth, a gorgeous, adoring mate, and a full staff of servants...then what?

17. Where should I break the rules?

16. How can I keep myself absolutely safe?

15. Where could I work less and achieve more?

14. What do I love to practice?

13. Am I the only one struggling not to {fart} during {yoga}?

more questions to answer

12. What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price?

11. Where am I wrong?

10. What's so funny?

9. How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?

8. What is my body telling me?

7. Are {vegans} better people?

Best Year Yet, Month One

6. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?

Getting Back Into It

4. Why do I like {cupcakes} more than I like {people}?

3. Why worry?

2. Is this what I want to be doing?

Question(s)

best year yet

a sign and a confession

the results

a big week

2011

December 31 – Core Story

December 30 – Gift

December 29 – Defining Moment

December 28 – Achieve

December 27 – Ordinary Joy

December 26 – Soul Food

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK

December 23 – New Name

December 22 – Travel

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance.

December 19 – Healing.

December 18 – Try.

December 17 – Lesson Learned.

December 16 – Friendship

December 15 – 5 Minutes

December 14 – Appreciate

December 13 – Action

December 12 – Body Integration

December 12 – Body Integration

December 11 – 11 Things

December 10 – Wisdom

December 9 – Party Prompt

December 8 – Beautifully Different.

December 7 – Community

December 6 – Make.

December 5 – Let Go.

December 4 – Wonder.

December 3 – Moment.

December 2: Writing.

Reverb 10

the latest

dream vs. reality

Tag

dreaming again

attacked by an animal

opportunity

a fully great weekend

encounters

the things of the journey

dreams and ice cream

days go by

fun times

argh

remembering by doing

bargaining

i'm in love

poems