Hope & Question

culture shock

warning: this is kind of long; i just needed to process a bit...
so the toll of living downtown denver in a transitional home for single moms took to me this weekend more than it has since i moved in last september. i was 'on call' by myself friday and saturday. we'd interviewed two women that are truly homeless thursday night (the women who've resided within these walls before now had all come from either other shelters or foster care, etc so it didn't seem as precarious).
one of the women we interviewed, michell, is 31 and has given birth to 8 children. she has custody of none of them. they all live with the parents of the 5 different fathers of the children. she has a felony charge out against her for selling cocaine to an undercover cop. she lives on the streets. she is the 'street mom' of debbie, the other girl we interviewed. she, too, is homeless. she's 22. she has given birth to two children, neither of which she has custody. she's pregnant. her due date is less than three weeks away. she has not had any prenatal care. she's been to the emergency room four times for 'check ups' during this pregnancy. she's been 'clean' for six months. she didn't know she was pregnant for the first three months. she stopped using when she found out.
after we interviewed the two women we decided to accept debbie (the younger of the two, who, by the way, has bleached orange-ish almost-buzzed hair, with long bangs in the front and a lip ring). since she's homeless, she didn't have a direct contact number, so we had names of those with whom she comes in contact periodically during the day at a shelter. i called and left messages with all three, hoping somehow we'd get a hold of her and she'd have a place to stay. no such luck.
then friday afternoon, i got a call from michell. i had to break the news to her that we were not accepting her. she got a bit defensive (and later on I found out that she got drunk that night; supposedly she'd been sober for 135 days) and then asked if i wanted to speak to debbie. i talked with debbie and told her that we wanted her to come live with us and that we'd accepted her in to the program. she said, 'right on' and then said, 'i need to call you back.' and hung up. i never heard from her.
brandi, the current resident in the house, felt strongly that she should go find her. she took a young married couple with her. they were walking down some street downtown and a lady approached them asking if they wanted to buy some marijuana. brandi says, 'no' but then tells the lady they're looking for debbie. the lady takes them right to her. wow.
so brandi comes home with debbie. debbie has nothing on her person (but had to get rid of the cocaine that she was carrying around in her bra; she doesn't use, just sells) when she comes; just the clothes on her back. i prayed for her. she slept until 10a. for some reason, i was scared all night while she was at the house. first time really since i've lived here that i've been scared.
when she got up, she wanted to go say goodbye to her friends and get what little stuff she has (two pairs of pants and another shirt, i believe). i gave her two hours. she was supposed to be back at 1p. she called about 10 til and was crying, saying she didn't know if she was ready to do this. the call was dropped. i thought that was the last i'd hear from her.
she showed up back at the house at 1p. we talked about how our program was about structure and about transformed lives. she didn't understand why she couldn't hang out with her friends and still be a part of this. i shared with her how the behavior of those around her really affects her and how hard it would be for her to be part of the community we strive to create here if she wasn't around. she tried to argue with me. i told her my heart wasn't to argue with her, but to provide her with a home and a program to turn her life around.
she asked to leave again (to go to a thrift store to get more clothes (i think she got some cash from selling some drugs the other night) and to get more of her stuff). i asked her to be back by 4. she never returned. she chose the 'comfort' of the streets over a roof over her head and people to care for her and her baby.
i don't understand so much about this scenario. i don't understand why she came to the interview. i don't understand why she didn't show up the first time. i don't understand how brandi found her and brought her back. i don't understand why she didn't come back. i don't understand how she's having a baby, may get to even keep the baby, when there are women out there who desperately want to have children and can't. just a bit of culture shock and misunderstanding...
and i'm leaving this place in less than three weeks and i feel like i'm running away, escaping the life of these women who've experienced so much more than i can even fathom dealing with, and with what do i come away? those answers are for another day.

posted by Loren @ 6:39 PM