Friday, April 29, 2005


I am comforted by, but somehow still don't understand the whole '' thing. I've been mulling it over for the past couple of days and have been trying to go deep with it and then just be surfacy with it, and I'm just praying that God would continue to reveal to me with understanding what that means and that I'd continue to wait patiently for His revelation.

The scripture I read today was "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:6-8 NIV

The first part still includes the whole asking, giving a little bit more clarity on the how of asking. So I'm encouraged in that I'm ok in the asking, and will continue to present that before God, but I'm working on my attitude and the how of it all.
So, I'm just gonna be thinking on such things, I suppose...

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


Got this idea from my friend, Nikki (click on the link above to go to her blog).

5: days it's been since knee surgery
9: hours of sleep I got last night
60: range of motion I have bending my knee so far
50: percent of speed at which the knee machine is moving
3: advil I took at lunch
1: percocet I'm taking at night
2: crutches I use to walk
4: more days my mom will be in town
6: more days I'll be on crutches (hopefully)
14: day of May I graduate with my MDiv
0: amount of patience I have for this recovery thing

Monday, April 25, 2005


Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:21-26

After three days of sitting and waiting, sleeping and resting, I'm ready to get on with things. Knee surgery went well and for that I'm truly thankful. I'm already able to put some weight on it. But waiting on it is the hard part. Of course I want to just wake up tomorrow morning and be able to do life as normal. But I get to thinking about that, and my life isn't really normal these days. That's what's making all of this harder, I think. When I'm done waiting to get healed, I'll be waiting for God to reveal the 'what next.' I'll be waiting for God to bring a mate into my life. I'll be waiting to see where I'll be living. Seems like it's just more of the same. So the physical waiting is kind of like a practice run for the rest of my life for the time being, anyway.
I've been disappointed with how I've handled this whole waiting thing, the resting in God thing, the not knowing thing. My heart's desire is the scripture above, and above all else to put Christ above all else and love others above all else, especially myself.
Just needed to get that out and remind myself whose I am and what I'm to be about...

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Theme for the Day

Psalm 106:1-2, 7 Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever. Who can proclaim the mighty acts of the Lord or fully declare his praise? When our fathers were in Egypt, they gave no thought to your miracles; they did not remember your many kindnesses and they rebelled by the sea, the Red Sea.

Father, forgive me for forgetting the blessings you have bestowed upon my life. May I continually give thanks for your loving kindness, for your covenant love. May I share that with others in my attitude, thoughts and words.

'The Valley Song' -Jars of Clay
You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

Monday, April 18, 2005


I was encouraged to list twenty things I am thankful no certain order, the things that come to mind include...

the moon
fall leaves
the smell right before it rains
the fact that I don't know everything
the fact that God does
pain relievers
Jesus' humanity
Jesus' divinity
the Holy Spirit speaking to me through other people
air conditioning (especially on a hot summer day in the South)
Christian legacy provided through my maternal grandparents
antibacterial hand soap
ice cream
time on earth

Saturday, April 16, 2005


now haunted by the
pessimism of being
forever alone

perceived feelings of
isolated and detached
over reaction

Thursday, April 14, 2005

the hardest thing ever

So, I promise I have thoughts of my own, but it just seems lately that what other people have said have really sunk in deep to the core of my being. This quote here goes against every fiber of my being, I do believe. But, it's exactly where I need to be and seems as if it is happening, whether I like it or not. My desire is to 'live everything,' as expressed in the following:

I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. rainer maria rilke

Sorry if it's hard to read, but the reason I chose pink is that it seems a color that is, too, like the ideas expressed in this quote, quite unlike me. But I like the color and the ideas it exudes. I'm becoming more fond of it these days.
As I take time to mull over the words above, I'm sure I'll expound more upon them. I'll leave you to do the same for the time being.

The Legacy Lives On

The words of Rich Mullins' 'If I Stand' really hit home today...

There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

What others are saying

Spurgeon says, "It is ever the Holy Spirit's work to turn our eyes away from self to Jesus; but Satan's work is just the opposite of this, for he is constantly trying to make us regard ourselves instead of Christ. He insinuates, "Your sins are too great for pardon; you have no faith; you do not repent enough; you will never be able to continue to the end; you have not the joy of his children; you have such a wavering hold of Jesus." All these are thoughts about self, and we shall never find comfort or assurance by looking within. But the Holy Spirit turns our eyes entirely away from self: he tells us that we are nothing, but that "Christ is all in all." Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee-it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee-it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument-it is Christ's blood and merits; therefore, look not so much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ; look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the source of thy hope; look not to thy faith, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith. We shall never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul. If we would at once overcome Satan and have peace with God, it must be by "looking unto Jesus." Keep thine eye simply on him; let his death, his sufferings, his merits, his glories, his intercession, be fresh upon thy mind; when thou wakest in the morning look to him; when thou liest down at night look to him. Oh! let not thy hopes or fears come between thee and Jesus; follow hard after him, and he will never fail thee."

"You can speak with authority only about what you yourself are doing and receiving from the Harvest Master." ---Kenny Moore

"You don't have to go it alone."---U2

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


the two words that have crossed my mental path today are both quite stolid (having or expressing little or no sensibility; unemotional) , so my hope is that my life today would be just the opposite

insipid: lacking in qualities that interest, stimulate, or challenge : DULL, FLAT

staid: marked by settled sedateness and often prim self-restraint : SOBER, GRAVE

Bringin' it back; Keepin' it real

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Monday, April 11, 2005

more thoughts

People go from place to place, following after comfort. We share so much without knowing each other, being connected. Humanity has commonalities, but personalities differ making the connect harder than it seems. Is it worth the effort of tearing down walls, busting up barriers?

Saturday, April 09, 2005

today's laughter

the two funniest moments of my day sadden me; not that they happened, but that i would file them under that category...

a young daughter getting her first taste of the true character of a goose: she was out in front of Panera with her mother, unassumingly feeding the assumingly friendly goose, when it gradually gets closer to her, picking up the pace. The girl stands still for as long as she can stand it, starts backing away. The goose begins to run towards her, the girl running to hide behind her mother. Nothing can save you now. Drop the bread, give the goose what it wants.

a 12 year old anglo boy, dressed nicely enough, in a plaid button down and jeans, on the side of a busy suburbian road, stands in front of a dumpster that comes up to his waist. He looks around (as if to make sure no one is watching him) and starts digging in...wonder what hidden treasure he found...


when feelings of this magnitude get suffocated by the lackadaisical shruggings of one who should know better
when expectations are set so high that one isn't even aware of their existence
when desire and emotion well up to create a toxic mixture not suitable for any, much less the inexperienced
the intial reaction is shut down; like a washing machine with one too many extra large sweaters, getting tangled among the thick denim, the suds spilling over onto the carpet, the body of the machine vibrating like mad, screaming for something, someone to come and release the tension, the overload

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

resolve: re-solve

I wonder how many times in one day I make up my mind to be resolved about something. I wonder if God ever gets tired of me deciding to be resolved about something only to revisit it and have to go through the whole process again. It's pretty exhausting, much like having a puzzle of a thousand pieces, getting the border and the clouds in the sky finished, only to decide that it's time to start over and each piece is taken apart from the others and jumbled up to begin again. You'd think the hope and thought of a finished picture would be enough to continue putting the pieces together. And it's not like it's hard to put a puzzle together. Perhaps with the metaphor extended appropriately to life, all of the puzzle pieces are not given and the top of the box is in the other room...and what if I think it's more worthwhile or makes me feel more accomplished to keep redoing stuff I already know about and have done instead of waiting on the next piece to come along.
Resolved to rest and wait and hope and long and live...

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

where i am

never disguised as friendship

mixed signals wrecking havoc as would a traffic light changing eradically from yellow, green, red never settling on one for longer than two seconds at most

feelings as strong, thick, and warm as my granddad's percolated coffee going down deep on a chilly winters' morning dissolving the walls constructed by past experiences, each rejection and failure another layer barricading the heart from its true source of life

the side room of the restaurant opened its door to the unassuming gentleman looking for nothing but her face

mirky confusion stagnant as a cesspool

conversation starters should be able to start more than a conversation. they should thrust two like-minded people into moments, months, many decades of bliss. instead, they provide only a mere glimpse into a square inch of the left corner of the room labeled preference.

presumption choking the life out of possibility, setting the stage for being stood up, let down, stifling the seeds of trust that have just been planted