inside
this energy, built up, inside, but dying to get out in some form or fashion
maybe it's caffeine's effects, or maybe it's emotion and desire not allowed to live in and for another
this is how i'm made, i'm wired
i just want to channel it in a way that is good and noble, that will affect great change in the world and not just keep it inside; the only thing that will do is drive me mad at a very rapid pace
but it seems like a waste at 11 o'clock at night. it will probably express itself in a dream or two during the night, as i toss and turn to process my inner thoughts and musings, dreams, longings and desires that may never come out of the inner cage of my being
i wonder if all of it's supposed to come out anyway
maybe it's the self control that allows only small amounts to seep out in healthy ways to share ideas and thoughts, to live out in word and deed things their origination stemming from the inner ruminations of one who chooses to ponder on God, His existence and His Word and others' existence and words...
A River Runs Through It
"we can love completely without completely understanding" --dad from 'A River Runs Through It'
oh may it be so
"eventually all things merge into one and a river runs through it" --older brother from 'A River Runs Through It'
late night wonderings
somewhere between the what ifs and the what might have beens I lost the me that should have been.
i got caught up in the possibilities and was not aware of the realities
rekindling the strength made by reason enough to come through the layers of hiding and damage
beauty in the realm of circumstance
taking the scenis route makes you late, but is worthwhile for the mind and eyes, opening up worldviews and changing the picture from time to time
there's a fine line between the comforting warmth and the treacherous burn of the sun beating down on a hot summer's day
what my coworkers think
Every morning we have a little prayer/devotion time here at work. There are two different organizations in this one building, so I don't come in contact with all of the employees on a regular basis. Nonetheless, the devotion today was about us being God's workmanship (Ephesians 2:10 and Psalm 139). Then we put our name at the top of an index card, passed it around and people wrote one word descriptions of us. We did the same for each of the people in the room. Here's what others had to say about me:
Nice (always a great description...basically says, "I don't really know you, but I'm trying to be nice.")
Intelligent, gifted (from one of the professors I actually do work around)
Joyful
spirit-filled
fun to be around (little does she know...)
infectious laughter
positive attitude--always! (this came as a shock, seriously)
seems to know where she is going (operative word for me, there: seems)
I needed to hear what was read today and was encouraged by these things.
The only thing is that when she read 'masterpiece' (alternative for workmanship, can also be translated 'poem' which is how I prefer it), the song "Masterpiece" that was out when I was in middle school popped into my head and even though I've been listening to music all morning, it's still in my head. "I've found a masterpiece in you; a work of art it's true; and I treasure you my love..."
emergency key
thursday night i stayed up to do some laundry. since the fam was in town the whole weekend before, i didn't have time on my normal laundry day to do such. so i'd fallen asleep between loads. i woke up just enough to put the last load from the washer to the dryer. as i crawled back into bed, i heard the ever-annoying loud clanks coming from the dryer. since it was a load of towels and whites, there was no reason for such clanking. so i got up, opened the dryer and felt around to see what was causing such havoc to my ears. i pulled out a flat peice of metal with the words 'emergency key' engraved. normally, i wouldn't think anything of this type of thing except a) how randomly odd is that? and 2) God's been trying to get my attention for quite some time. as I was sharing this with a friend, her interpretation was that God was trying any way He could to get me to wake up (literally and spiritually), to see that He's the key, and that it's an urgent thing for me to realize He is the key to all with which I've been dealing lately; that He has the key...to the doors...the ones I think are closed, the ones to the questions to which I desperately want to know the answers
so I'm thankful for that...for that 'wake-up call' of sorts. should it have to be so hard and random as this said experience, though? what does that tell me about me? more questions...
totally inappropriate
the funniest name i've come across in a LONG time:
Horst Balz (author of Exegetical Dictionary of the New Testament)
i'm laughing out loud...
the latest happenings
So I got chided for not expressing clearly my latest accomplishment. I don't really see it as 'latest' necessarily, though, because it's been in the works for four years now.
Saturday May 14, 2005 I graduated from Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary with my Masters of Divinity.
I think that now I should be called 'divine master' by all.
So, for now, this means that the end of my 21 year student streak is up. Although, I will always be a life long learner. And I'm applying to teach at a community college in the fall, so I may be back in the classroom, but in another capacity.
The next step is moving. I'm moving closer to work (no more 45 minute to 1 hour commute) into a house with a family. They have three kids (Bryah, 13 year old guy; Emma, 11 year old girl, and Mikaylah, 8 year old girl). I was over the other night just for dinner and Mikaylah says, 'you're practically part of the family already.' She's SO cute. So that should be fun. I'll be moving into the basement, with its own separate entrance, my very own kitchen (first time in my life) and then I'll share the common living area down there and the bathroom. Looking forward to learning more about living in community.
So that's the surfacy 'what's going on in my world' news.
Oh yeah, and my sister is engaged and getting married November 5. He came to my graduation and it was the first time I'd met him and I truly think he's the best thing that's happened to my family since I came along (ha ha).
There ya have it...
haggai
obey God, get in on His work: blessing, courage, pleasing Him
do your own thing (even if it seems like it's a worthy cause), mind your own business, ignore God and what He's got going on and wants: lack of satisfaction, misery, out of relationship with God
why does it always take so long to get that and to stick with the first and how in the world does God have so much patience with me (and how'd he have so much patience with them).
grace, covenant relationship, intimacy, all-knowing and loving
this is my focus on God today, what He wants and not what looks good to me
nice lyric
Why are you scared to dream of god
When it’s salvation that you want?
"when one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us..." helen keller
seems like there are a couple of barred doors in my life, but i've not appreciated the open ones, however small they have been: opportunity to live in community with the jacksons, john's long layover, freshness of new friends, comfort and familiarity of old ones
for real
regardless of circumstance, attitude, or the weather outside:
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn. Isaiah 61:1-2
crash
butterfly effect meets traffic and training day...
intense interesting commentary on the interconnectedness of humanity, redemption, racial stereotypes and how to deal with it all...
just a little while later
the candle flame went out on its own; only two flowers left in the vase; the music was malfunctioning; the two sips of tea left in the mug have gone cold
but the papers are graded and its time for me to move on to the next task...
creating the environment
looking at a vase full of tulips, burning an aromatherapy candle, listening to Norah Jones, drinking hot tea...comforting
all i need now is a good book, a blanket and a couch
instead i have papers to grade in an office chair
it could be worse
celebrate
the knee (really leg) brace is off!
i turned in my last paper of my seminary career...rather anticlimactic, but still reason to celebrate.
the sun is shining and it's gonna be 80 today (snow is in the forecast for Thursday).
in class yesterday, allan decided we'd celebrate the last day of class. we had ice cream cake from coldstone (yum) and he brings up the question of the day: where do you see yourself three years from now (which I find out later should include what you think will happen within those three years). i speak up and share that i don't think that's a celebratory question and that we've covered that topic enough in the class. he disagreed and i had to proceed.
i shared about my uncertainty with all of life, my whole waiting thing, and then if i had to, i'd just dream...i'd like to be teaching at the community college this fall, still working here, then start on my PhD, get married (yeah, so then meet the guy who I'm going to marry or something to that effect) and then I threw in go to France and have a coffeeshop as option B just for kicks.
I thought about it later and decided a better celebratory question would've been to ask, 'what has God shown you, done in and through you this past year; the past four years of your seminary career?" that would've been happy, easier, and then I would be better at living out the scripture: be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in every situation...
umm
so maybe i'm having trouble hearing over the hum of my laptop, the clicking of the keyboard keys, or the chirping of the birds outside (don't they know that they don't have to be up yet?)
hearing
Sat straight up in bed around 2:45a pretty much wide awake from kind of a restless sleep. No reason in particular (for either the restless sleep or being wide awake) I don't suppose (besides the usual...uncomfortability of knee, too many things about which my thinker is thinking, etc.).
So I picked up Dallas Willard's "Hearing God," a book I've been reading off and on for quite some time now.
In the chapter I'm reading now, Willard puts forth that hearing the 'still small voice' (think Samuel as a kid) is the main subjective way that God speaks to us and it seems that he's saying that it's the way God would prefer to speak to us and that it is the most important way that God speaks to us.
I'm wrestling with this one. Probably because of what I've been taught, how I was raised, etc., I place quite a high importance on the Word. But I have learned and felt in recent years that it's more relational than even the Word and that God is an intimate, personal God, so why wouldn't be the case that the preferred method for him to speak is in the 'still small voice.'
I guess I struggle with even the idea that there is a hierarchy of the ways in which God speaks to His children. I also struggle with the fact that the 'still small voice' is so easily not heard or overlooked or mistaken for something else because of how I choose to live my life, that I get pretty freaked out at the idea of God trying to speak to me and me missing out because of my selfishness. I wonder even when I ask God to speak, if He does and it goes unnoticed by yours truly and so maybe that's why I'm getting the 'keep asking' Scriptures...cause I haven't heard yet. So if that's the case, God I beg you to make yourself clear, whether loud or soft. I pray that I would be quiet enough (is that the waiting part or is that something altogether different?) and be resting in You, focused on You, that I would hear what You have to say. Thank you that You want to say stuff to me, that You desire a covenant relationship. May I be always focused on that...create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit. Don't cast me away from Your presence, please God.
And may I live in grace so as not to go insane regarding aforementioned fears...
revolution
lyrics from Steve Earle (whoever that is, featured on 'The Coffeehouse' yahoo station)
The revolution starts now When you rise above your fear And tear the walls around you down The revolution starts here Where you work and where you play Where you lay your money down What you do and what you say The revolution starts now Yeah the revolution starts now Yeah the revolution starts now In your own backyard In your own hometown So what you doin’ standin’ around? Just follow your heart The revolution starts now
have totally taken it out of the context in which he probably wrote it (have just read lyrics to a couple other of his songs), but I was really challenged and encouraged by listening to those words...
Holding Pattern
So as I was externally processing with a friend today (which is how most of the truth about my life comes out), I realized, I believe anyway, that God has me in a holding pattern that will most likely last about a year (at the least, it looks like). Of course, it's rather comical that I'm scheduling and structuring my holding pattern, the season where God is saying, 'wait on me for the next thing, Loren.'
But as I was talking about it and thinking over it later on during the day (most of the rest of the day, really), I thought about how just because I'm in a holding pattern doesn't mean that my life is on hold. I'm still offered abundant life in Christ, and because I don't know much about the specifics of my life, I can focus on meeting the needs of others...I can pursue that as my 'what I'm working on at the moment' as well as be in a place to not be so busy and focused on something such as school, to really focus on becoming the woman God has me to be.
So now all I have to do is get to a place of acceptance and peace about it (my prayer as well) and choose to live focusing on loving God and loving others (the two commands I'm called to as a follwer of Christ).
I'll keep you posted...
3 changes
In class on Monday, the question was posed, "If you could make three changes in your life that would please God, what would they be?"
I was a bit taken aback by the question. If I've ever thought that question before, it's been a while since I have. I had to think for a while, came up with a trite answer and was made to think more critically about what
change I would make.
So the final answer I came up with follows.
1. Be more intentional in relationships (particularly with those who don't know Jesus)
2. Be less selfish (fix my eyes on Jesus, put others before myself)
3. Treat my temple as I should (present my body as a living sacrifice)
So that's what my prayer has been...that God would change me and that I would choose to obediently live out these changes that I may please God and point others to him.
new
a new month (cannot believe it's May already) and hopefully a new attitude from now on.
it doesn't hinder my new attitude in learning from my Physical Therapist this morning that I need to be walking without crutches as much as I can (interpret GOODBYE CRUTCHES) along with that comes goodbyes to ALL comments related to being on crutches (my all time favorite still remains "looks like you lost...").
I'm glad we get to be renewed day by day...what a priveledge and promise and blessing.
i cried last night while praying with a friend...realized the tears were from the realization of the overwhelming holiness of God and grasping the idea that He cares about me and sings over me. After which I wrote some cheesy poem about tears (definitely not blog worthy).
am still a little overwhelmed at life and all that it seemingly lacks at the moment, but grateful that I get to live this life and am redeemed beyond my doing...
